Thursday, December 31, 2009

at the end of a shitty year

the only things i can take out of this second consecutive shitty year is that i'm extremely thankful for having my parents and my friends and my dogs. i'm just always on my way to becoming okay and i've hit a million bumps in the road but i'm still at it. i'll get there and when i do, i won't ever care again.


i'm just working at something that's giving me an amazing hard time.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


the long trail home

so originally i was going to post on how i was going to this famed vermont trail, and i guess in a sense i am still touching on that subject. I just wish it was happening now, that it was july now. that i could escape to somewhere where there isn't a cell phone, or a facebook, or a girl that drives me crazy, sometimes good, sometimes bad. i just want to be hiking somewhere, lost in the woods of vermont, eating berries and not having to deal with the bullshit of everyday life.

i'm really not sad anymore. i'm not. i'm so sick and tired of this death trap of a state. no matter where i go i can't escape all the past bullshit that i've got. i'm not sad, just agitated. just annoyed with humans as a whole. just sick of people who just don't care. it makes me realize that having 2 good friends and only caring about myself and them is all i really need. brad and i don't have to talk about the bullshit in my life. we just joke about stupid shit and are rarely serious about anything and i always feel better about life whenever i hang out with him. and erin is so level-headed and evens me out. and i could talk to her about anything and she'll always have insight, even if i don't listen to her advice. i really see that it's not worth it to embrace everyone, because most people will just take advantage of your kindness and use you and then just throw you away.

it would be easy to just not care and exclude people. and i really want to be that misanthropic person, but once i let someone in, once i put myself out there, it's not that easy not to care. i've never thought of myself as a caring person and i can be quite selfish at times, but i've always found it hard to hurt people and not feel bad. which sucks, i hate it. because i have the capacity to hurt someone and not give it an afterthought when i do it, but when it sinks in what i've done, i never let it go and a piece of me stays in the fuck-up forever. and i've had so many fuck-ups, that there's not much of me left. i've hurt a million people. my parents, my ex, my friends, my brother, my sister, various other family members. i just want to go back in time and get good grades and not disappoint everyone and not fuck up my own life and thereby not fuck up anyone's life who cares about me.

I want to go back to being a kid and not having a worry in the world. but even then i would have to go back to be like 4.

"cause i'm stuck here wide awake
in the wake of bad news
we know now what's at stake
and i'm scared too.
and you know i can't take naps cause
they end in panic attacks,
i can't play video games,
i always end up depressed.
i can't be left alone now
for even a second
i'm a burden
but at least i know it."

Friday, December 25, 2009

it took almost thirteen months, for me to be where I feel fine
I'm not as sad as I let myself believe sometimes

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Long Trail

more info to come on this. be prepared

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Appalachian Trail


So, I'm snowed in today, so i have nothing better to do than google random shit. I randomly came across info on The Appalachian Trail. I figure, at some point, I would love to hike the whole thing and camp along the way. It runs from Maine to Georgia. The route is as follows on the map, so yeah. I don't know, it seems like something to do, something awesome. I know this is really random, but i feel like i'm doing absolutely nothing with my life and this would be something, something big. who knows if i'll ever do it for real, but i'm just saying, i would love to try it.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

today,
I watched tv for 13 hours
stood in the cold until i couldn't feel my fingers
sat under my desk and refused to come out.
I don't want to deal with anyone, or anything really.

I am hesitant to check the mail because
it involves opening the front door.
I'm getting anxiety even thinking about it.
I don't want to be asleep, but
I most certainly do not want to be awake.

My phone rang,
it ended up shattered.
Please do not call me. I don't need to hear your voice.
My room is cold and I'm fucking freezing.
My greatest fear is that one day,
I'll come to the realization
that I just don't care at all.
Or rather, you actually care,
and this could be exactly what we both need.

I'm stuck. What can I say, or do?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

oh man

i feel like the wonder years are the soundtrack to my life sometimes...


"My friends all say he’s just the broke-dick version of me.
They’re just trying to help me get some sleep.
I know he’s what you need."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

and so it continues..

can i please be happy for once. this would do it.


to elaborate:
It's not like I need her to make me happy, but i just need something good to happen to me for once. And this really could turn the tides for me. She is exactly everything i look for in a female, without a doubt and i feel like this would put my mood back on track. maybe i'm being selfish, probably not.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

tonight.

i'm going to sound really sappy and corny. i already know this, so before you criticize, just know that i do know.

but we cuddled for the first time tonight and i didn't realize how perfect she would fit in my arms. i don't think anyone has fit that perfectly, ever. i just wish i could make her mine. such a dilemma. so many things. =/

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"don't text me until i text you later" -_-

Saturday, December 12, 2009

don't know why i get this sappy. but she is amazing.

Friday, December 11, 2009

complacency

this is from a personal expierience i guess. although it really is true.

When you date someone for so long that you become far too comfortable with them, you get complacent and accepting of things that used to bother you. But when you start to let bigger things slide and you begin to accept a horrible attitude and verbal abuse and you don't leave the person giving the abuse, there's something wrong.

I did it. I mean, of course I still loved the person, but i didn't like her anymore, i didn't like the attitude she was growing into and the tendencies she had, but i stayed with her because i was comfortable and being single is a lot of work.

Comfort is a dangerous thing. It really is, because it let's you take so much that wouldn't get if you kept everything awkward. if someone you didn't know calls you a name or does something you don't like to you, you'll say something to them and make sure it's resolved, but if it's someone you know it's a different story. You push it aside saying, "oh that's how they are, their just jealous or worried or whatever." it's ridiculous. especially when there's someone out there who just wouldn't do those things.

obviously i am speaking from personal experience at the current time. I've learned so much from my past relationship and what to do and how not to be stupid. This girl is the first girl i met that i wanted to tell her nothing but the truth and it's weird. It's weird because i've started every relationship off with some kind of lie, Maybe i've learned my lesson, idk.

either way, i watch the things he says to her and how blatently disregards her wishes and i am in awe. i don't know, but even at my worst in a relationship, i'm still whipped and i've always been okay with that because it's who i am. but i'm watching this and it seems so one-sided. it makes me sick. i just wish she would realize....

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

my 2009 top 50 artists according to last fm

1. Therefore I Am
2. Broadway Calls
3. Less Than Jake
4. We Are The Union
5. Against Me!
6. Shook Ones
7. Set Your Goals
8. Ghost Kid
9. Evergreen Terrace
10. Blank Tape
11. Four Year Strong
12. Sugar Ray
13. Dan Mangan
14. Owen
15. Paul Baribeau
16. The Weakerthans
17. This Time Next Year
18. Maylene And The Sons Of Disaster
19. Hit The Lights
20. Modest Mouse
21. A Wilhelm Scream
22. Punchline
23. Polar Bear Club
24. The Riot Before
25. Saves The Day
26. Kid Dynamite
27. Manchester Orchestra
28. Maker
29. Title Fight
30. The Wonder Years
31. Fireworks
32. Transit
33. The Gaslight Anthem
34. The Get Up Kids
35. Say Anything
36. 3OH3(really?!?!?!)
37. Alexisonfire
38. John K. Samson
39. Frank Turner
40. The Swellers
41. Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
42. Man Overboard
43. Circa Survive
44. Mariachi El Bronx
45. Glassjaw
46. Joshua Radin
47. The Lonely Island
48. Crime In Stereo
49. The Ergs!
50. La Dispute
hate going to sleep knowing i'm probably not going to hang out with her again.
hate this dirty bed.
hate that i have to go to work tomorrow.
hate feeling this nervous and anxious and knowing i'm not going to calm down.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

so much for everyone- dan mangan

as much as i'd like to go
to places i've never known,
scared shitless to leave home,
and i don't want to go alone.
i miss the rewarding gaze
of a friend from my younger days,
didn't mind ‘bout my selfish ways,
as he died i was miles away.
i hope he remembers how,
as i do when i look back now,
though he'd bark at the slightest sound,
would not bite for he knew not how.

and sometimes it's more than clear,
when morning comes early here,
and i know that the day is near,
wasted days make for wasted years.
now i'm vicious with appetite,
sobering half a mind,
dripping with stolen wine,
awoken by something i dreamt.

harboured by everything i have been witnessing.
postcards and daydreaming
get less embarrassing.
after the day is done,
i will be on the run -
so much for everyone, so much for everyone.
the showdown is endless here,
under the burning sun.
as eyes roll toward me now,
i will drop my gun.

in addition

i really don't know. i just feel like, unless my hands are busy typing, i'll punch something, again sounding juvenile, yes, but true. blahblahblahblah. who gives a shit? blahblahblahblah. i most certainly do not give a shit about people anymore. seriously. i don't. no shit caring or caring about shit and shitty shit because i saw where that got me. i feel like caring just put me in a bad spot. or worrying about other people. like, if you tell me that you had a abortion, what do you want me to say to you? i'm honest, i say, "sometimes, you try so hard to act older than you actually are and you get yourself in such deep shit." so you get mad at me? obviously. so i try to show someone that i truly care about them and i'd think we'd be perfect together and i get led on to this point. to where i am ranting and making no sense and probably making a massive amount of grammatical and spelling mistakes. fuckufkcfuckeufkcufkcufckfucky

in listening to dan mangan

positivity
something I've always been a huge advocate for. i would always preach a positive lifestyle and found much in phrases like, "head above water." But i realized something huge today, or yesterday maybe. every time i decided I'm not going to care, I'm going to let go and be positive, everything goes wrong. that's what happened here. i was on the "I'm not sad anymore" kick. and it was working. i was finally feeling like i cleared a huge hurdle in my life and i was getting, although a bit wobbly, back on my feet. I woke up everyday in such a good mood. such a good mood. nothing could get to me, nothing.
In this positivity kick, something amazing happened. A girl i liked began talking to me, as juvenile as that soundsm and things weren't great but they were certainly good. i had money saved up and girl to take out and i woke up everyday with a smile on my face.
At first this girl was just a friend and that's what i saw her as. but as erin had warned me, it became more and everytime she would send me a text, i would get really excited. I took this girl out for the first time the night before thanksgiving to the movies and it ended up being a disaster. a good one. and it progressed from there. but this is where my luck would turn, because as fate would have it, i'm not allowed to stay happy for any decent amount of time. Thursday, thanksgiving, on my way to my mom's for thanksgiving i got into an accident, a semi-bad one, but my car was still driveable (with duct tape to hold the airbags in). This was the beginning.
The girl and i texted each other a lot that weekend and i even got to hang out with her on monday and tuesday and weds and friday and saturday and sunday and monday again. but in this time, she broke up with her boyfriend (oh yes, this one had a boyfriend too) got back with him was on the fence and i was in the middle. but i stuck with it, because she was amazing, and worth this craziness.
then this morning happened.
today i woke up in a terrible mood. and i said to myself, "today is going to be a terrible day." but i hoped for a win, something to boost me up. that boost didn't come, but rather a text from her boyfriend. and thus i am here. once again where i was in the past year many a times before. fucking depressed and annoyed and i just want to be with my friends until i die. i don't want to be alone in my room where all i fucking do is think and write and write and think and not make sense and talk in circles. and I FUCKING HATE BEING THIS PATHETIC. i hate how this stupid, petty, childish bullshit eats me up every FUCKING time it happens. and it always happens.

so fuck it, i really don't give a shit anymore. i'm getting out of shit jersey if it's the last thing i do. destination anywhere, anywhere at all. you all don't owe me anything and i own you nothing. it's like everything i touch now-a-days falls to fucking pieces, so i honestly don't care anymore.


i'm sure i'll think of something else once i am past this post and i'll come back and add it on. not that anyone really gives a shit anyway.

Monday, December 7, 2009

my favorite releases of 2009 by month. the unabridged version.

JAN:
Bruce Springsteen – Working On A Dream

FEB:
A Day To Remember - Homesick
The Loved Ones - Distractions
Two Tongues - Two Tongues
Lonely Island, The - Incredibad
Appleseed Cast, The - Sagarmatha
Minus the Bear - Acoustics
Thursday - Common Existence

MAR:
Cursive - Mama, I'm Swollen
New Found Glory - Not Without a Fight
Propagandhi - Supporting Caste
The Wonder Years / All or Nothing - Distances
Ace Enders - When I Hit the Ground
Fireworks - All I Have to Offer is My Own Confusion
Fucked Up - Year Of The Rat

APR:
Living With Lions - Dude Manor EP
Apathy Eulogy, The - Resolved to Reason
Transit - Stay Home
Poison the Well - I/III / II/III / III/III
Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything To Nothing
Meg And Dia - Here, Here, and Here
NOFX - Coaster

MAY:
Apathy Eulogy, The - Resolved To Dream
mewithoutYou - It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright
Tumbledown - Tumbledown
Iron and Wine - Around the Well

JUNE:
Anti-Flag - The People or the Gun
Poison the Well - The Tropic Rot
Alexisonfire - Old Crows/Young Cardinals
Hit the Lights - Coast to Coast
Maylene and the Sons of Disaster - III
Therefore I Am - The Sound of Human Lives

JULY:
Against Me! - The Original Cowboy
Owen - The Seaside EP
Portugal. The Man - The Majestic Majesty
Portugal. The Man - The Satanic Satanist
Set Your Goals - This Will Be the Death of Us
Sugar Ray - Music for Cougars
Rx Bandits - Mandala

AUG:
Modest Mouse - No One's First and You're Next
As Tall as Lions - You Can't Take it With You
Broadway Calls - Good Views, Bad News
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
fun. - Aim and Ignite
Mariachi El Bronx - Mariachi El Bronx

SEPT:
Chuck Ragan - Gold Country
Owl City - Ocean Eyes
Polar Bear Club - Chasing Hamburg
Every Time I Die- New Junk Aesthetic
Thrice - Beggars
Brand New - Daisy
Owen - New Leaves
Ruiner - Hell Is Empty
Evergreen Terrace - Almost Home
Langhorne Slim - Be Set Free
The Swellers - Ups and Downsizing

OCT:
Built to Spill - There Is No Enemy
Lucero - 1372 Overton Park
Strike Anywhere - Iron Front
The Mountain Goats - The Life of the World to Come
Cartel - Cycles
Russian Circles - Geneva
This Time Next Year - Road Maps and Heart Attacks
Between The Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect
John Nolan - Heights

NOV:
Say Anything - Self-Titled
The Almost - Monster Monster
Weezer - Raditude
Defeater - Lost Ground
John Mayer - Battle Studies
A Wilhelm Scream - A Wilhelm Scream EP

DEC:
Transit/Man Overboard Split 7"
We the Kings - Smile, Kid

Sunday, December 6, 2009

this situation

with an amazing girl

Saturday, December 5, 2009

well i tell the story of my life...

sometime when i'm an old man, it's going to include a lot of girls with boyfriends.
found the upsides

Friday, December 4, 2009

an ode to the fairly indifferent or greatly ungreatful

you keep everything close to your heart,
as i did once.
though, i have managed to keep all things far from my heart of late
thus i have become to appear a bit heartless. not dead, just cold.
but I'm no more a heartless prick than i am a product of a cold world.

you take a look around, not much has changed.
there are still kings and queens.
royalty and peasants.
masters and slaves.

this hope and change that you want so bad is never really coming.
because whenever you get ahead, people want a piece of your pie.
this is why i keep to myself.
thus i have become to appear a bit cold. not dead, just heartless.

i am great. i am amazing.
and if i keep this mindset, nothing can make me not alive.

you were a great thought. you were eyes set ablaze.
you were the greatest beacon of hope, of change.
the operative word being were.

and now as i watch, seemingly from outside my body, there is not much i can do.
all i do is keep you close to my heart. where you belong.
because I'm not going anywhere. at least not anytime soon.
and you'll realize that there's no one else. and I'll realize that this world isn't so cold.
and positivity comes back every time i see your face or hear your voice or see your smile.

so until this all comes to an end, I'll wait in limbo.
holding my drink, and waiting for my chance to sweep you off of your feet.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

a man less amused
not really alive or dead
if you watch him close, faltering
you won't see anything new
you won't see anything interesting

and such is this deformity
to consume this unfortunate man.
it is not new, nor interesting.
but consuming none the less.

so he sleepwalks through the motions
every bit of this, reminiscent.
every action like a mirror.

so close to happiness
that never comes

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

this situation.

just with a smarter girl.

Monday, November 30, 2009


what a happy thanksgiving...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

also

my dudes in LA DISPUTE got their trailer stolen in MI last week. so if you can do anything to help them out,www.myspace.com/ladispute

so disappointed in humanity



This is not new jersey. But it's certainly what people think of it. i go to Kentucky and they say, "ayyyyyy you know tony soprano?" or "yo, where's your spikey hair and ed hardy shit?"

MTV's the jersey shore premiere 12/3/2009 and will further the stereotype that new jerseyans are stupid fucking guidos who get drunk and party all the time and spray tans. i hate these fucks, they ruin everyone from new jersey's reputation.

Now an italian-american group is petitioning MTV to not air the show saying its offensive to italians. i'm not as pissed being an italian, but i'm more pissed about how bad it makes new jersey look. if i was governor or any other high government official, i would say something. we're already the laughing stock of the US, why continue the joke.

fuck you motherfucking guidos

Sunday, November 22, 2009

itch

so, i've got the itch again to get more ink. i think i'm gonna go into brad's and tell jim i have an hour's worth of cash and see what i can get. i mean i have 2 options, either get something completely new or continue work on my sleeve. i want to continue work on my sleeve.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

This is only a chapter
This is merely a moment in our lives where we don't know who we are

Thursday, November 19, 2009

epiphany

i finally realized that i'm going to have to move on a few weeks ago. i just now wish that things had ended amicably. i wish we could have been just friends. i miss that aspect of it all. being able to bitch about shit with you. but i messed things up pretty badly and i don't blame you for ending it the way you did.

"I know it's the height of hypocrisy, and I know-- I know doin' this isn't gonna change anything... or--or make anything better, but, um... I'd just-- I'd settle for your respect. You know, I'd settle for you smiling... when you thought about the time that we had together... and not think it was a waste of time."

that being said, this is the very last post ever that has to do with you. i promise. from now on only good news.

Friday, November 13, 2009

weird

i haven't been the happy in awhile and it's not even because of a girl.


is that even possible?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

2010 Tampa Bay Rays

So as the lone Tampa Bay Rays fan in NJ, a lot of people are asking me what they're gonna do in the offseason. And being the awesome Rays expert I am, here are my predictions by position:

Catcher:
This is a hard one. In 2008 Dioner Navarro was a key player for their world series berth, but 2009 Navarro struggled at the plate. I think it was a slump he'll break out of with some practice in 2010, and he's still on the young side. Zaun was a great late addition in 09 but he is 37 and being an everyday player could be out of the question. So here is my prediction. We decline Zaun's option and send him to free agency, keep navarro and have michel hernandez, a great defensive player and not a bad offensive player, as the back up catcher.

First Base:
Carlos Pena...obviously. Chris Richard will never be in the majors again. Willy Aybar to back up.

Second Base:
Call me ballsy, but my prediction for this is that Sean Rodriguez is going to be the opening day second baseman. Back up will be Reid Brignac, don't worry, we'll get to Ben Zobrist.

Short Stop:
Jason Barlett will be the everyday short stop. backed up by Reid Brignac or Will Aybar.

Third Base:
Evan Longoria...who else?! Backed up by Willy Aybar

Left Field:
CARL CRAWFORD! No the rays are not going to get rid of him. He is tooooooo goooooodd and beneficial to the team's winning to let him go. Sure he has a 10 million dollar option, but in the 10 years he played for the rays hes only made 13.1 million when he was valued at making that much a year. "But what big salary are they going to cut?" you ask!

Center Field:
goodbye BJ Upton. I see him being traded (but not to an AL East team, dare I say a NL team?). With Desmond Jennings, another speedster, sitting in the minors, I don't see a reason to keep BJ Upton, with him smugness and his lack of hustle at times. Desmond Jennings is the opening day center fielder.

Right Field:
BZ making it look EZ. Of the 7 positions Ben Zobrist played in 2009, I think right field would be a good fit. Put him in right field for Right Handed Pitching and Put Gabe Kapler in right field for Lefties.

DH:
We're obviously keeping Pat Burrell for the final year of his contract, so hopefully he could show up this season. Ben Zobrist could also make a good DH.

Starting Rotation:
1. Matt Garza
2. James Shields
3. Jeff Niemann
4. Wade Davis
5. David Price

David Price didn't really prove himself in his first full season, but Wade Davis did prove himself in his first start. thats why he gets the four spot and Price gets 5. And I believe that Andy Sonnanstine will be in the bullpen.




your opinions?

Friday, November 6, 2009

OMGOMGOMG

a wilhelm scream killed it. and their lead singer is like my height and pissed off. it was like looking a mirror of awesome. so siqqq



i'm totally not sad anymore

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

humpdaythoughts

so, i'm not shaving at all, not even neck beard, for the entirety of novembeard. pixxx to follow.

stoked to have finally dealt with wachovia. kinda.

maybe i should get a second job.


also, i'm not sad anymore

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

ears clogged.

so after a week of being sick, i think i'm actually gonna go to the doctors. lets see what they say.


finally seeing one of my favorite bands ever on thursday. A Wilhelm Scream. intelligent music is so hard to find, and they're smart as hell. i really can not wait.

I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE

Monday, November 2, 2009

even with today's happenings

i'm still not sad anymore



it's almost christmas at 22.
i'm back on my feet friends...


Let's turn on the TV and wait for Christmas specials.
We'll make some frozen pizza and watch your stolen cable.
We'll thank whoever's in charge here that this year
didn't treat me so bad.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The upsides

I'm not sad anymore

Saturday, October 31, 2009

C'mon stop misinterpreting my posts.
i hope i never get "dystonia", i hate runnin



Egyptian eyessss=]

Friday, October 30, 2009

time out
who is really gaining groud here
you ask
who is really getting good here
you inquire
but i've yet to find a market
an outlet for this feeling
and i don't know
i don't know who is on the upside here
so i tell you
i can't answer
marking
the first day of my second life.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

take my name off the lease

i find it relevant to relay this message from Kris Roe of the ataris when i asked him if he was still having fun a couple years ago.:

Our new record will be out in late February. It is the most honest piece of art I have included my heart and soul in period. This band turned into something different than I wanted for a small time. That is no longer the case. It happens. I found out alot of things in this past couple years. Too many for one email. Although one thing always remains true is that you must always remain true to your heart no matter how people may tear you apart. We all change and evolve in different ways. For a short while I felt like this band no longer who I was as a person so I did something about that. Now it does again. It now represents seven people that enjoy what they are doing, not four people all doing for themselves. it represents friendship and musicians creating music they all would listen to. that they enjoy. I cannot wait til next year. To quote Jets to Brazil... "It's the first day of my second life." Take care. your friend. Kris


it's the first day of my second life.
that day was last september for me. and while i dwell sometimes and i go through withdrawl it seems at least once a month, i don't want anyone to think that i'm not trying to move on because i am. i'm doing this on my own. For awhile, i became something that i didn't want to be. i abandoned friends and i bent over backwards. I may have slipped up a couple times, but i loved her to the best of my ability and i walked away from this ordeal knowing this. i know this is the same old story you've been hearing for a year, but how this is different is that i'm not going to lie to you and say that i'm completely over her. I didn't have the closure i wish there could have been and i think thats all i could ask for now. i've met a really cool girl who just isn't getting the fair chance she should because i constantly think back to years past. its not fair.

i enjoy my life, please don't get me wrong. everything is a lesson learned and i've learned a lot, but i still have a lot to work on.
but, to quote set your goals, "my life, a constant work in progress, and i wouldn't have it any other way"

Monday, October 26, 2009

haha

also,
waking up to Z100's phone tap about a girl pranking her mom that shes sleeping with her female professor after breaking up with her male boyfriend is hopefully a start to a good day.
And I got a new hat. Will post pictures later.

wonder years tonight

please let me clarify

i in no way want to or am going to try to talk to you. as much as i miss you, i'd rather be getting over you than dwelling on you. i'm working on it.

I feel like I need a god damned disclaimer with everyone of my god damned posts. go back to the post where I ask you to not take me too seriously please, and then get the stick out of your ass.




on a lighter note,
most certainly not going to watch the world's stupidest world series this year.
who care about the yankees and the phillies. I hate both teams with a burning passion.
let's go...Edison Thunder!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

moving

so today,
my mom sends me a text saying she saw 1 bedroom apts for SALE for 50k. It would equal out to a monthly payment thats less than my new brunswick resident. and it would include everything(cable, electric, water, gas). As much as I love new brunswick, it might be a good move for me to leave the brunswicks for awhile. Get my head away from here. I mean it isn't far, its in Edison, but it would clear my head a lot. i mean, i've seen more hard times here than i ever thought i would. I lost the love of my life here. this place has so many bad memories that sometimes it feels like a prison. maybe its time to move on.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

i want to go back 4 years and start all over with my life past high school. i would not be where i was now, yes, but i feel like things would have been a lot easier in my life.
-i would have never gone to devry.
-i would have never met her. i would have never screwed up. i would never have spent the last year and a half being consistently sad and finding it near impossible to move on.
-i wouldn't be this much in debt.

these are the thoughts that are on my my mind.

Monday, October 19, 2009

okay

today was a good day.



=D!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

don't call me mikey

So this week has been hectic, no sleep, mad work, stupid roommates getting me tickets. but tomorrow is friday and i'm hanging out with will and going to see where the wild things are, which i've been stoked about since seeing the preview in the beginning of the summer.

I know this topic is old but I do miss the feeling of having a real girlfriend, not a fling. not courtney, not amanda, not any shit like that. I've been talking to someone and sometimes it looks promising and other times it does not.

But i've realized that after dating an irish girl for 2 and a half years, i like the chase. i don't like it easy. i had a girl who basically wanted to be my girlfriend twice this summer to fall, who would do anything, and i passed that up to see where this "thing" or whatever it is would go. I mean, shes cute and she my type, but i don't like the easy route. we'll see what happens with this. who knows.

the title of this blog, by the way, comes from a funny anicdote. By now, you probably know who "mikey" is. A douche who wears guy-liner and played in a cookie-cutter hawthorne heights replica emo band, who also loves himself A LOT who stole my ex from me. but anyway, everyday at work a kid calls me mikey. now you're like, why does this annoy you? My best explaination would be I never want any comparison to someone of his nature. I'm not fake nice to get people to like me, that has never been my deal. I'm a fairly real person. So I tell the kid everyday, "Daniel, don't call me mikey, thats not my name, i'm not a tool." Yesterday, he asked me what a tool was, so i told him that a tool was someone who pretends to be someone they're not to gain the respect of the people they are around.

shit dude...are there any girls out there who are sane?

i know that one day it will all work out for me, as corny as that sounds. as a realist, optimism come rarely, but i'll take what i can get.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Baseball Playoffs

My Predictions:
NLDS
Rockies vs. Phillies: Phillies in 4
Cardials vs. Dodgers: Dodgers in 3

ALDS
Twins vs. Yankees: Yankees in 3
Red Sox vs. Angels: Angels in 5

NLCS
Phillies vs. Dodgers: Dodgers in 5

ALCS
Yankees vs. Angels: Angels in 7

WS
Angels vs. Dodgers: Dodgers in 7

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

freedom means nothing to me.
OH SHIT

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I thought I'd write, I thought I'd let you know
In the year since you've been gone I've finally let you go
And I hope you find some time to drop a note
But if you won't
Then you won't
And I will consider you gone
I know that you went straight to someone else
While I worked through all this shit here by myself
And I think that you should spend some time alone
But if you won't
Then you won't
And I will consider you gone
I wake up in the night
All alone and it's alright
The chemicals are wearing off
Since you've gone
The days go on, the lights go off and on
And nothing really matters when you're gone
If you think that you feel nothing at all
If you don't (If you don't)
Then you don't (No, you won't)
If you won't
Then you won't
And I will
Then I will
Yeah, and I will consider you gone

Thursday, September 3, 2009

i've got to stop looking through my myspace inbox at old messages. now i just feel like a jerk on like 10,000 fronts

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

also, i've been restrained for a year.
never thought it would last, i mean when it happened i never thought it would stick, but thats the pits and we all have to suck it up and move on, even though its taken me forever. it wasn't meant to be and i'm okay with that now. I do miss you, because you were my best friend, but i'm okay now. I used to think i couldn't live without you and i found out that i can, and i am.
If you and i were ever to decide we could be friends again someday, great, but if not, i'll be fine, i've got my own life to worry about, and i'm pretty proud of what i am becoming, but, I can't say that i am anything but happy for you and who you're becoming, so good luck in life, i wish you all the best.

on to the next chapter in my life...

Chapter 2:
the escape from alca....new brunswick...
going to school part time makes me feel like a piece of shit

Saturday, August 29, 2009

all i can think about is my past lately

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

i've been thinking a lot. well i always do, but recently i've been doing a lot of thinking about my future. As i get older, i worry that my life will turn out pretty worse that I had hoped it would when i was young. i still have aspirations, but with the majority of the kids i graduated high school with already graduated college and have legit jobs, i feel like i am doomed to minimum wage and lower-middle class. I can only afford to go school part time, so i have another year and a half or two years of fucking communtiy college until i can even try to get to a four-year school.
I'm getting worried and i need it to go away. i'm working hard at becoming someone, i promise.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i'm not sure about this

Monday, August 10, 2009

Its funny how much you learn about someone after spending a full week with them on a vacation you invited them on and hearing them complain about and mock you the whole trip. I realize how little i want to even try to be a friend to you anymore.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

reflection

its crazy. really it is.
thinking back on it, july 16th 2008 seems like it was more than just a year ago. its like, my life was on stand by and then, july 2008 hit and someone pressed fast forward. It feels like everything that happened just one year ago was decades ago. like it is a past life that i can barely remember. when i think 1 year, i don't think of it being a long time, but this year has been the equivalent of 10 years in my brain.
so much has happened.
i moved into a new room, i got a new dog, i got my CDL finally, i have dated a girl that was cheating on her boyfriend with me, someone who i thought would be around til i moved out moved back home and now i never see him, i became closer to brad, dave and erin than i ever have, i met an amazing girl named amanda, who became my amazing girlfriend.

this year has changed me so much. i'm happy to say it. i look back and i hate who i was. i hate that i abandoned all my friends and everything that i believed in because someone wanted me to. i'm happy i'm finally living my own life, and making my own mistakes, and learning from those mistakes.
to say that i wish 7/08-7/09 had gone a lot smoother is the understatement of the century, but i most certainly would not take this year back. i'm happy where i am, even if the road isn't always smooth, i'm getting to where i'm going. and that enough for me. i've stressed about everything in my life and all that got is more stress and less hair. so guess you can, i am my father's son, but hey, thats not really such a bad thing!
i'm making mistakes because if i don't then i wouldn't know what to do the next time the problem occurs. and how can you hate me for that.

i'm still an asshole, i'm still judgemental as shit, i still hate a majority of the people i meet. but i sure as shit am 100 % different than i was last year. and probably a little bit happier.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

something new and different.

i always seem to write negative things on here. well for once, this post has no negativity.
well. not that much.
my life in the past few weeks has been a rollercoaster, but i really can't complain.
aside from getting dicked around by the department of motor vehicles for the past few days and my car being unpleasent, it hasn't been too bad.
I'm getting back on top of money, with the generosity of my landlord, and i think i've finally found a girl who won't dick me over. and who i don't have to pretend isn't my girlfriend haha.
i'm glad to have finally found someone worthwhile and nice.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

when i'm not posting here, you should assume that i'm pretty content with my life

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

i think i like you

Friday, June 26, 2009

its like whatever...i guess

Thursday, June 25, 2009

i can guarantee that this will be one of the best summers of my life.
mostly because you're not around to take it over.
i'm finally close enough to happiness. thank god.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sunday, June 21, 2009

erin

4 elephants riding an elephant.

there, i said it.

haha

Saturday, June 20, 2009

absolutely no description needed




Friday, June 19, 2009

you've got spiders.

1. Today, i was driving through a wooded area and i remembered when i was a little kid, i used to think of that as driving through Jurassic park. you know how they drive through the dense forest? well as a little kid, i was so into JP that every situation like that i likend to driving through jurassic park.

and 2:

Dear xxxxxxxx,

this is a bit late, but truly needs to be said. Mostly because, i'm sure no one will ever get this chance to say something to you. I wouldn't even call this a chance, but whatever. Here it goes:

You are a liar. wow, it feels good to say that talking about someone other than me. I really thought that there wasn't a worse liar than myself, but i couldn't have been more wrong. I've met my match and lost. amazing.

Of course you don't think you are, i've found through my own personal experiences that addicts are often in denial. You use, better yet drain, the niceties of those who give you the time of day. you use your mother for money, you friend to make you feel not so much like a fuck up and your "boyfriend" for constant emotional support (you like how i put boyfriend in quotes? a real boyfriend would have been done with your ass after the 2nd time you cheated on him). You used me to fill a void will the man who was supposed to be your "one and only" was away training to be in the army. And truth be told, i fell for you, but i've been told you have that effect on guys, so i think i could be excused.

I wish i could tell you this to your face, but, in cowardice, you hide. you quit with out saying goodbye to all the people you work with. you really are only in it for yourself. you live your life in a constant state of mid-life crisis. always trying to convince others that you're the prettiest, that you can drink other under the table, that you've been around the block and back and therefore you are so superior to them. i really had never thought i would meet someone worse than me. you win. i made you smile, you made me smile, but it was all bullshit. seriously, you're a piece of work.

"...people learn from their mistakes, yeah we all get our breaks, but when its 20 breaks a day you don't get them from anybody..."

i would have loved to have been there when boyfriend saw the texts i sent you or you sent me or when best friend found out that we were more than just work friends. how you lied your way out of trouble there, i really want to know. but both of them are so wrapped up in your web of bullshit that you probably could have told them anything and they would have believed you.

and this bullshit you pull, blacking out everyday of every weekend. the first sign of depression. you don't go out to museums or to the park or any shit like that, you spend your weekends in dim, damp basements drinking until you pass out. when you do go out, you pop pills or do drugs. you can't live a sober life. 90% of the time i spent with you, you were fucked up. (i really want to tell boyfriend how you wanted me to fuck you so bad that night i picked you up wearing somebody's sweatshirt. you don't even remember, and of course i didn't tell you that you were begging for it and i kept on telling you that i didn't want to take advantage of you). one would think that getting a dui when you were under 18 would scare you into not being so fucking retarded, but i guess you need to be in jail or lose your license for the point to get through your thick princess skull.

oh, i want my sweatpants back. thanks for stealing them. and wasting my fucking time.

enjoy the south, that country music obsession will work well down there.

everyone told me stay away. but i'm dumb. whatever, i feel bad for boyfriend baldy, because i was like guy number 5 that you cheated on him with. i also side with that guy who was supposed to take you to prom who you weaved into your web too. fuck you. you were never worth it.

onto better things.

best wishes,
ran

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

i swear to fuck

if i have to hear another thing about millionares or brokencyde, i am going to every cd store in the us and destroying their albums. then i am going to hack into their myspace and delete all their songs and then take over itunes and ban their music.
you know what? i'll just become emperor of the world and by law anyone who makes that kind of music will be put to death and all those who enjoy that type of music will be forced to work in coal mines. the end.

make quality music plz

Monday, June 15, 2009

one down, one to go

one side is gauged. the right ear healed a bit faster when i took them out the first time, so it will take longer to regauge

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

the last letter we ever wrote.

DEAR READER

WARNING! this may be a bit long..or it may not. just a warning.

I'd like to start off by saying that this blog is something of a voluntary thing. Voluntary in the sense that i do not, nor have i ever, forced anyone to read these shitty words. Fuck, i don't even have my real name on here. To read this is obviously and blatantly on you, the reader, this is your own personal choice. While I do love the fact that someone somewhere is reading my writing, i don't not like being scrutinized for the writings i write(overuse of the word write?). I know i have said some stupid, offensive (and at points, ill-thought out) shit on here, but i am not, nor will i ever, apologize for the things I've said. "Why?" you, the reader, may ask. Well, reader, because they are my personal opinions as well as my own personal feelings. It has always been a near-fucking-fact that i wear my heart on my sleeve and if i feel like talking about something, i am going to talk about it. no doubt, one way or another, someone will hear about it. I guess that is what makes me so interested in writing. but yeah, so i guess you could call this blog....free press?

I'd like to continue with this: We, meaning myself and you, the reader, can co-exist. I can understand where you are coming from when you may say that you, the reader, are not happy with what i write (this is if you, the reader, were ever to talk to me) but at the same time, like i said in my first point, it is your choice to seek out my blog and, subsequently, read it. Reader, you need to understand this. Let me present this scenario to you: You, the reader, do not like spiders (I'm with you on that one, reader, i hate them more than math). Someone decides to bring their pet spider to your house. Do you, the reader, look at that spider? NO! Obviously not! Reader, you despise spiders, they scare the living shit out of you. Well think of this blog as a spider, and stay the fuck away from it if it displeases you so much (as i am sure, it sometimes will).

I am expecting you, the reader, to take this blog the wrong way, as you may have in the past,( i am now speaking solely to those who have read my past posts). Reader, please understand, I am certainly not threatening you, nor am i calling anyone out by name. I am simply stating the fact that I will never force anyone to read this blog. I don't have the capability to create a virus that infects all of America's computer to where when you click a link, it redirects you to my blog. My pen name is Ran Tatter. that's all you, the reader, needs to know about my name. If you want to continue reading this blog, well then please do so! I don't want to turn anyone away from reading anything as reading is on the decline in general (unless you count the recent popularity of fmylife.com, which requires you, any reader, to read only 2-3 sentences at a time.), but please, i beg of you, the reader, don't use this site to incriminate me. This is free press, i don't pay for this, you don't pay for this, these are my honest to goodness opinions. This is how i feel. I would never threaten violence against anyone ever.

To conclude, I want to make a point to tell you, the reader, that this is not an explanation, or an excuse, but rather a clarification. Now, Reader, you have an idea, or you may have a idea, or even a glimpse, of where the hell i am coming from. so the next time you, the reader, are at a party having a conversation with a pretty lady or a handsome dude, and they ask you "What's this asshole Ran Tatter's deal?", you, the reader, may be able to answer them... you, the reader, may be able to impress them with your infinite knowledge.

yours in writing and honesty,
Ran Tatter

Monday, June 8, 2009

hahaha

EDITED: READ ABOVE BLOG
fuck you mary ann. you're a piece of shit anorexic bitch. I loved your daughter the best that i could. i fail at everything...



also. driving test weds. nervous and excited at the same time. this is going to be a good and prosperous summer.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

sunday brah

sundays are usually my favorite days. they're usually pretty laid back and lazy. i mean even andy samberg likes sundays:



but yeah, i play baseball every sunday, which is also great. i'm in a good mood today dude.


also, i'm trying to regauge my ears. seriously, it kinda hurts.:

Friday, June 5, 2009

nervous

i'm losing hair all the time haha. but seriously, i've been getting worried about somethings lately. Mostly going for my driving test for my CDL on weds. it sucks, i really need the raise i would get once i get the CDL, but, i'm not sure i'm ready for it. i have to get a physical for it, which i am also nervous about, because the last time i got one, they said i had high liver enzymes, which is mostly common in people who drink on an overtly regular basis (which i, of course, do not). and i moved into this new room, but im nervous i may not be able to afford it( which is truly unwarrented because i did the math, and i would be able to afford it.) all i need is a week away from everything. a nice vacation.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

new room.

I'm mostly moved into my new room. i still need the clean the old room though. i really like this room.












Monday, June 1, 2009

nobody leaves without singing the blues






"....It doesn't matter if you play with fire either way you get burned..."


I AM KING OF THE WORLD.

moving sucks.

not having friends willing to help sucks.

its summer and i can not stop listening to punk rock. NOFX is number 1 on my ipod right now, followed by a wilhelm scream, followed this is hell, followed by gorilla biscuits, followed by minor threat, followed by bad religion, followed by a bunch of other shit.


I NEED HELP MOVING! IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND FEEL LIKE BEING A REALLLLLLY GOOD FRIEND, CALL ME UP!











ALSO!



STOKED ON THIS :


















































and this:
vs.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

same as yesterday

lol


safety blanket off lol

Monday, May 25, 2009

tampa bay rays '09

changes need to be made. two nights in a row, we have to lead, tonight a substantial lead, and we blow it in the bottom of the ninth. either we need to condition our starting pitching to go 8 innings and give the ball to cormier or....balfour? i don't know, or we need to trade away big names for awesome late relief pitching. either way, i want to prove that 2008 wasn't a fluke and we can stay over .500 for more than a day. don't disappoint me

blood

BLOOOOODDDD

i move in 3 days

also, i know this is kinda late, but i got a new dog! her name is princess and shes the one on the left.
its like, the hours leading up to midnight go fast as shit, but once midnight comes, times slows almost to a stop. its like, you look at your watch at 12:00 and then you look at it an hour later, and it's only 12:01. catch my drift?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

nicer days

It's nearly been a year since she's been gone
But we still sing her goodbye songs
And he knows, he should move on
But he just can't let her go
No, he just can't let her go


summer is coming up fast, fast. so much has changed in the past couple months for me and i'm not nearly the same person i was a year ago. i more outgoing and less friendly. i still hate the same things, in fact i hate more things. i'd like to think i've grown up a lot. i think i have. i'm trying to rerail everything, i hope i can. i really hope that i can. tougher times ahead...

Friday, May 15, 2009

its friday night

i'm sick and felt like writing.

i can't wait for the following:

1. june 19. mets vs rays! at citifield! w/ brad!

2. the last weekend in june going to D.C.

3. possible road trip this summer.

4. making more lists

i'm really stoked on life. i'm really happy that the weather is warming up and the soon i will be at the beach or in a pool. i'm getting back on my feet. and its crazy that its almost been a year since cait and i got into that fight that was the true catalyst to the end. oh well. im on my way

Sunday, May 10, 2009

this sucks

there has been a few things upsetting me recently, but one that has really gotten to me is the current situation with my brother. now, I'm not one of those people that is a super go-getter, but i like to have a level of normalcy. My brother is 11 years old. in a few months he'll be in middle school. My brother has yet to learn how to ride a bike, I'm not sure if he knows how to tie his shoes, he doesn't know how to throw a baseball. Its not that he hasn't been taught any of this, he has no interest to learn it. He has no push to do it. Its times like this that i wished that i still lived at home so i could try and push him to do these things. i mean, by middle school, i was riding my bike everyday and skateboarding. I played baseball and basketball. my life revolved around physical activity. I would be outside from sunrise to sunset. and if i didn't want to be outside, my mom would make me.
This whole thing really makes me sad. It also just proves that my mom has changed significantly in raising a child since i was young. When i tried to get him to throw a baseball or ride a bike, i am told by his parents that he doesn't want to do it. all he does is play video games...and that's it. i mean, he rings hand bells in church, but past that he doesn't anything.
The worst part is that i work with kids that are around his age and these kids struck me as being 4-5 years older in maturity than my brother. My brother is 11 and strikes me as being at the maturity level of a 1st or 2nd grader. and what is worse than that is that my mom sees absolutely nothing wrong with it. My mom criticizes me for being a little overweight or chewing with my mouth open, but the one thing that i can say is that my social skills at his age were much more adequate. and i did all possible active things i could and i still do. if someone said, "mike, lets go shoot hoops or play baseball or football or go bike riding," i would be down in a second. hell, I've never played hockey in my life, but if it was suggested, i would go out and buy a stick in a second. and i would have done the same thing when i was 11.
i know you, the reader, probably don't care about this as much as i do, but it has honestly made me super sad. even some of my friends who aren't the most athletically inclined are fairly knowledgeable about sports...it just makes me sad and i wish that there was more that i could do.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

today was an interesting day.
i will describe it in list format.

1. i drove to new egypt, nj at 7:30 am

2. i played really well in the two games today.

3. i hurt my pelvis as well as both my knees and got sunburnt

4. the umpire behind the plate got hit with a foul ball and subsequently passed the fuck out. and had to be taken away by ambulance.

5. princess likes to bark at dogs on the tv.

also back to my evil ways.

just to let you know

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

a sidenote...


i'm going to take minute off from my self-pity party and complain about something else for once.
Lately music has either made me reallllllyyyyy happy or pissed me the fuck off. there is no in between. Mostly i've been getting pissed off by Asher Roth. I mean look at this d-bag. Look, I know college is college and kids get stupid there because they're finally away from home and think that they're adults and have unlimited freedom. Whatever, people are allowed to act young, and make their own choices, but the first step to change is having a role model who conveys a positive message. Asher Roth is a low-class, worth-shit white boy rapper who is comparable only to eminem, which makes eminem look bad. Sweet college song bro. way to promote a lifestyle that includes, binge drinking, date rape, and drug use. You're really a man.
now don't get me wrong, i've been to college parties before, but while at them, you'd usually find me away from the center talking to someone about something. I'm no intellectual, but i also like to have a conversation. I mean, i couldn't find a worse way to make America look like we don't give a shit about anyone else but ourselves (besides, of course, all the other shit we've done in the past 10 years). c'mon dude, i am not asking you to write songs about changing the world (not that you write songs), but, well actually, i'm asking you to stop making music...you suck.

make music that matters. i mean, 10 years in the future when you knock up some girl you met and your kids get around to being your age and they're overdosing, getting dui's, getting charged for rape, dying for they're stupid decisions, they can blame their dad's awesome song. and you can swim the shit that you helped keep alive. go for it asshole, as long as people waste their parent's money on your bullshit excuse for "music".

Saturday, April 18, 2009

3 things


1. i need to move the fuck on and not dwell on shit.

2. i need to realize that i'm not a piece of shit, because i'm not

3. i don't know what the third thing is, but i felt that would be the only enough amount worth making a list for.




i need to get out. a road trip. soon.



Friday, April 17, 2009

as april goes on

cait,
i deleted this whole thing because honestly it was stupid. safety blanket off.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

DELAY!

in the time since my last post:
-my laptop crapped out
-things got better with courtney
-things ended with courtney
-i got a new dog
-i met someone new

also, i can't stop listening to Manchester Orchestra, so you should listen to them too!

Sunday, March 22, 2009






So, thursday, i decided to take all my hair off.


even my beard.....


i miss it.




Things with C have been going pretty well. i can't complain much. falling asleep with her is amazing and i wish i could do it every night.




















This weekend was really good. I did a whole lot of nothing and couldn't complain about it. Friday i hung out with my best friends and got free rita's and played wii. Saturday i broke my bike out and went for a ride! and today, i hung out with luke and i'm seeing C later. so all in all, i had a good weekend.




RED RANGER!!!!



nothing special. but i love her.








also,


i found this sign in Auten Rd. Intermediate School in Hillsborough, NJ. It was made by a teacher:






Thursday, March 19, 2009

since july of 2005

My life has never been terrible. I consider myself lucky for the most part. Both my parents are alive, i'm alive, i have a roof over my head. And although, my life is okay now, and i can never complain too much about what has happened in the past 4 years, i also can't say that it has been the smoothest ride. I just wanted to clear all this shit up because alot of people don't know the whole story.
I'll never say that i am the easiest person to deal with, i don't usually step down to authority and eventually got kicked out of my house.
July 30th, 2005.
I spent three days living in my friend, Shawn Hannon's basement and trying to convince my mother to let me back in the house. Ultimately, it was decided that would move to New Port Richey, FL to live with my dad.
August 3rd, 2005.
I went to stay at my aunt's house overnight so my uncle could drive me to Newark Liberty International Airport. I had an early flight to Tampa International Airport on the 4th.
August 5th, 2005.
My 18th birthday. What better way to spend it but at warped tour, alone. yeah, it sucked a little being alone, but at least i got to do to warped tour.
August 6th, 2005.
I started work at National Distributing Company Inc. in Tampa, FL at 3:00 am.
I sorted though over 1,000 bottles of wine and inspected the cork on each one.
in the weeks to come, i would do this several times, as well as, clean up spills, clean out garbage drains, clean up shit-covered bathrooms and sleep in the breakroom.
September 4th 2005.
This was the day i was supposed to come back to new jersey to live with my mom and start college asap. Unfortunatly, this did not happen. i was not welcome back to live with my mom. I boarded a flight to newark from tampa and was picked up by my aunts and cousins. for the next few months, i would wear out my welcome at my aunt's house.
October, 2005.
I don't know the exact date, but i started working at TGI Fridays in Flemington, NJ. This would bring me to the realization i would never want to work in food service ever again.
November, 5th 2005.
I started dating a girl named Liz Chambers. I am straight edge and at the time was "hate edge" and she, well she was completely not edge, so it was different for me. But I would eventually lose my virginity to her. I don't regret this. At all. She was different and things we never really easy with her, i really enjoyed being with her. but this would be over days before christmas 2005.
December ??, 2005.
I don't know the exact day, but i went to clark to do some christmas shopping and see liz and i got a flat tire in the van i was borrowing from my aunt and uncle. Instead of going home as my uncle asked me to do, i went to liz's and then back to my aunt's. this was the day i wore out my welcome at my aunt's. I got home and my uncle flipped out on me, and for three days i did not leave my room. I pee'd in a bottle and did not shower. Finally i called my friend vinny and asked him to pick me up. I packed up all my stuff and took only what i needed and when he and Phil came to pick me up, i hoped in the pick up truck and left.
december ??, 2005.
I lived on vinny's couch for a week and would wear out my welcome there. but luckily, i was invited back to my mom's house for christmas and three days after that i would move into my new diggs and start going to DeVry Univerisity. Things were getting better with mom and she offered to give me 5000 for a new car. I would buy a 1995 Jeep Cherokee for 3000 dollars total and i would end up putting more money into repairing it than i did buying it.
December 25-31, 2005 - Jan. 1, 2006
With my new car, things getting better with with my mom, and things were looking up. all my awesome edge friends hated me for a stupid reason in my opinion, but i was making new friends and things we getting okay.
March 10, 2006.
I jump forward past two uneventful months. This day will always be important to me. After only knowing her for less than a week, i asked Caitlyn Ann Cafferty to be my girlfriend and she said yes.
Summer 2006.
I was a bum. I lost my job at Target. I quit UPS. Cait paid for alot of my shit, including gas. But after a few weeks of searching, i found a job working for Bob's Stores on Rt. one in south brunswick. School-wise, i was kicked out of DeVry for the first time because i failed 90% of my classes. all except the one english class i had. Maybe this should have opened my eyes to the fact that DeVry wasn't right for me, but currently i am 20,000 bucks in debt because of it. Friend-wise, i was making new ones who would later become my best friends. Brad, Dave, Erin, Simer. That summer i spent everyday as follows: I would work from 7-11 am. go home, eat, go to either hidden lake pool or the other hidden lake pool and hang out with dave and brad, hang out with cait in the afternoon. I would be at the pool so much that eventually APA gave me a job and i was no longer bum-like.
Fall 2006.
Things related to DeVry started to deteriorate. I still was doing shitty in school and i hated my new roommate in "devry housing". Also my jeep started to become a burden on my wallet and my mom began to suggest that i get a new car and start going to Middlesex County College. She would help me out with both. My helped me buy a 2004 Saturn Ion sedan. It was minimal in extras but it would do the job getting me from a to b (and still does). I also made the decision to leave DeVry, which would mean i would have to move out of their housing. i spent much of fall and early winter finding somewhere new to live.
December 2006.
I found a place near cook college. on a saturday, my mom and i went there to check it out. when we get to 17 Comstock, a large man, by the name of Luke Harp opened the door. I didn't need to see the room when i saw his two large dogs come up to me. I love dogs and always wanted to live with them. It didn't matter how shitty the room was(and it was) i wanted to live there. That day, i signed the lease and would move in on Jan 2nd, 2007.
Jan 2nd, 2007.
With the help of Dave and Cait, i moved my shit into 17 comstock.
April, 5 2007.
By this time, i was no longer at Devry, I was almost settled at 17 Comstock and i had started a new job at Vital Mobile Care Co. because the bob's i worked at had gone out of business. I had been looking at dogs on Petfinder.com and found one at Franklin Animal Shelter. A 1 year-old boxer-aussie shepherd mix. Luke, cait and i went to the shelter to see the dog, but it was closed for black friday. Luke told me that his girlfriend worked at a pet store and could help me out. We went to Pets Pets Pets in somerset and there they had 2 boxer-aussie shepherd mixes. one was white with brown spots and had blue eyes and the other was fawn with a black muzzle. I looked at the one with the blue eyes and wanted her, but she was flipping out barking, while her sister the average looking one was sitting there quietly. I asked to see the average looking one. They took her out of her crate and gave her to me. the first thing she did when in my arms was give me a kiss and i instantly fell in love with her. Cait named her abby and i brought her home that day. Abby was a hassle when i first got her. she had an infection and pooped alot and wouldn't eat sometimes and didn't (and still doesn't) like new people. But she is probably the best part of my life.
September 2007-May 2008.
this was my first full year at Middlesex CC. I fucked up and then got back on track. I started work at Catholic Charities and it is currently to date my favorite job that i have ever had. In March, Cait and i celebrated our 2 year and i got her and i a room in a bed and breakfast in Cape May. On May 5th i took cait to Beauclaire's bed and breakfast and it was great. probably one of the best times of my life.
Summer 2008.
Things began to go south with cait. I began to be an asshole, she began to look elsewhere. and in August, we broke up. I would remain depressed for months. probably until the end of jan. of 2009. We celebrated our birthdays together and that was the last thing we would ever celebrate.
September 9th, 2008.
After i got home from work, there was a knock on my door. I opened it and on my porch were 2 police officers. "Are you Michael Nazzaro?" the one asked. turns out cait wanted to make sure that i knew things were really over by getting a restraining order against me. Things she said in it were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. Thanks to luke and dave and erin for really being there for me at that time.
Jan. 2009.
I met a girl. i'd rather not go into the situation because it wouldn't be fair or easy to explain. but i can honestly say that i am truly happy again. I had done great in school in the fall semester and although financial restrictions have kept me from school in the spring, i am rolling with the punchs.
March 2009.
nothing is easy and this isn't either. i am still taking the hits as they come, but my life could always be worse. and i can't say i'm not happy right now, i am happy. she makes me happy. and i know things are kinda weird with us, its a good weird and i love it.

i guess that should clear a few things up. being it took me an hour to write.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

this soap opera grows more complex by the day

Monday, March 9, 2009

this may not end poorly for me after all. we'll see, keep a watch

Sunday, March 8, 2009

this is the best worst feeling i've ever had or the worst best feeling.

i'm happy and sick at the same time.

Monday, March 2, 2009

i wouldn't call this a good weekend, but i wouldn't call it bad.

good things are on the way

Thursday, February 26, 2009

when i'm holding her and kissing her everything feels right.
i know this is right.
this is right.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

the happy is back

i stopped reading into things and i'm just living day to day and i'm pretty happy. i read a blog about me today that was posted on 1/20/09 by mike hitchcock and he said that i should get the fuck over myself or some shit like that. at least i don't love myself way too much broski. if i wasn't lazy, i'd post the link to it. i just want to headbutt him. not punch or kick or anything like that, just headbutt and bounce. do you ever get that feeling? like you want to headbutt somebody? oh and i'm pretty stoked that thieving is a word, because its my favorite word to use. I also realized that i like being called michael. I hate verizon sometimes. I like the new Sleeping album and the new NFG album. I like going rare fast food hunting with AJ and Matt C. and i like playing the uke. i hate being sick. i love being edge. i like being humble. i like being black. i like to to the carlton banks dance. i like making you wonder why i posted this blog and why i continue to add things to the list of the things i like and don't like and i like the fact that cait and mike will read this shit and be like WTF?! F Q! U GAI! and i'll just be at fox and hound ordering a black and blue burger and free sodies and cat calling. lolies? i think so

Sunday, February 15, 2009

questions.

you said i make you laugh?
well you make my heart sing...


i'm always over-analytical. always. i've spent my life reading too much into things. but i know that there is something here. she said it. i would have never thought it unless she said it. she said she likes me. she tells me i'm different. she tells me that i'm sweet. she says she has feelings for me. and she wants to see where this goes.

she also tells me that she doesn't want to break a promise to her boyfriend...
that's the last text i got before i fell asleep last night. i want to know what i'm getting myself into? how is this going to end? what if we end up together and then he comes back from boot camp and she goes right back to him? what if the only reason she likes me is because he is gone?

i know i love spending time with her and talking to her. i know that i'm really comfortable around her. i know that i like feeling butterflies when i'm around her or when i talk to her or just when i look at her. its so stupid and cliche, but her smile from last night is stuck in my head, and sometimes find myself staring at her, i can't help it. i didn't want last night to end. i didn't want to bring her home. i didn't want to wake up without her this morning.

this is making me sick because i know that it is not going to end well.
no matter what.
it will not end well.
now i'm anxious and she is off somewhere drinking and not worrying like i am because she doesn't have to...

and thats another thing, it usually bothers me when girls i talk to party a lot, but it doesn't piss me off with her. things that should be upsetting me aren't. and abby really liked her, it was weird, abby usually growls at every person besides me who enters my room, but within five minutes, abby was laying on top of her asking for belly rubs.

this is taking up too much of my brain, but i think shes worth the space and the time and the worry because she is 100% different from every girl i have ever had any type of feelings for.

i said i wouldn't get my hopes up. but its too late. i did. and i have feeling that i am going to fall hard.
i'll find out tomorrow i guess.

Friday, February 13, 2009

so far so good!

i honestly can not complain about anything right now.
1. i'm making money
2. a cute girl makes me smile more everyday.
3. i have a date with a cute girl on valentines day!
4. i have a new phone.
5. life is good.

i feel great
i haven't felt this good in months.
i really honestly can not complain!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

notes for friends who are blind.

i found it, although not so easily
i lost it for awhile,
somewhere in between the lies and liars,
so i was lead astray.
i walked the wrong way for too long.
it was quite umbecoming,
i looked like a fool.
i ran in circles, i gave it my all.
but i am stronger than that now.
i am bigger than that now.
so, i am no longer alone,
the whole world embraces me.
the whole world tells me that i am not so low.
i am not so low.
in fact, she blows you out of the water.
you are nothing.
you are weaker than me now.
you are smaller than me now.
the whole world shuns you.
the whole world tells you that you are so low.
you are so low.
in fact, he sinks in my wake.

fail.

not so much. man. i have a good feeling about this and that makes have a good feeling about life. i really hope i'm not wrong, but i usually am. so i'm not going to get my hopes up that high. we'll see.

whatever, i'll keep at it.


anyway, i decided to take this semester off and work as much as possible to save money and what not and go back to school when i have money to spare (which means in the summer). I shot archery for the first time last night, which was awesome. and the fact that i've been seeing dave a lot more is really cool. i've been feeling like writing a lot more recently, so expect something sometime soon.

this good mood i've been in feels good, so i hope it doesn't go away.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

!

good things are happening!
happy happy happy

Sunday, February 1, 2009

a temporary cardinals fan's blog

so, the past few days i've been like 95% happier than i had been in the past few months. not for any particular reason, i've just been happy. life isn't terrible and my room is clean. my car is sucking, but it runs. and i'm working more since im not in classes right now. its weird, i kept on wanting to be over cait, but i never got there, ill always miss what we had, no doubt, but now i am just dwelling on it and thats is never good. I gave my all in that relationship, so whatever, i'm over it. he can have her and her big ball of craziness and control. It feels good again to hang out with friends and do what the fuck i want to do rather than wait for her to get out work, or her to wake up or her to get home from school. i know, i know its been six months and i should've BEEN over her already but, i dated her for almost 3 years, i wanted to marry her at one point, so i think you can understand why it took so long for me to get to the point i'm at now. she got there quicker because she had a old man and a douche bag and a family that supports everything she does to fall back on. i mean i had friends, but by the time i was able to hang out with them again they all had girlfriends or boyfriends that they hung out with alot, so i was SOL. but now, i'm at the point where i am happy being single and hanging out with rob and joe and dave and erin and brad and luke again. I was lost for awhile, but i really am finding myself again and i feel good. and thanks to punchline for helping me get over this. because the song "somewhere in the dark" really chronicles the past few months of my life and how i really feel at this moment on 2/1/2009:
Somewhere in the dark, I wonder if you knew
How truly happy I was sitting next to you
Then you took the cat and car and drove away,
And I had to figure out how to be alone
I carried around my phone and waited for your call
It's funny, you needed me,
But now you don't need me at all
Now I do what I want, when I want
And you...
Well, I don't even know where you are

I've got some news
I might like it better without you, baby
What does that prove?
The moment's past, and I am fast asleep

(Heyyy)Now I play guitar,and hang out with my friends
I have your blue shirt, (blue shirt)It's still sitting by my bed
Strange how the scent makes it feel like you're here
But I like the blue shirt more than you

I've got some news
I might like it better without you, baby
What does that prove?
The moment's past, and I am fast asleep (Hey-ay)

Sooo...
I've got some news
I might like it better without you, baby
What does that prove?
The moment's past, and I forgot what I was singin' about!
I've got some news
I might like it better without you, baby!







that being said,
on super bowl sunday, i have to buy deodorant, laundry detergent, and a new shirt. lets go cards. keep it an NFC champion game. when does baseball season start now?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

hqwerioqeqioue/

so the past few days have been pretty good. I really can't complain.
i've started working mornings for Catholic Charities, which means more money.
I've filed my taxes and am getting a return of about 900.
im one step closer to being registered for part time spring semester.
things are really circling around and i'm alot less depressed.
I've been hanging out with rob and joe alot more and thats good, because i really missed them. i'd like to see dave alot more, but i understand hes busy.
other...
*edit*
single.
*edit*
things i'm super stoked for:
1. Lost (i'll be stoked on this for the rest of my life.)
2. The Wonder Years show in march
3. more money
4. school
5. new car within the next year.
6. life.
7. it leaked

also, i want to go on a roadtrip soon. i'll be going down to my dad's over spring break-ish time. so if anyone wants to join me on the 13 hr. drive to louisville, kentucky, feel free. all i ask is that you chip in for gas.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

hey girl from denville dairy.
call me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

1998

today's bad news:

I'm 99% not going to school this semester. oh well. I'll try to work more and make a shit load of money.

today's good news:

LOST!!!

I'm like a geeked little girl about this show. true story. I'm typing this during commercials so its taking me awhile.

I know the bad news outweighs the good, but my fucking life is a story of ups and downs, I'll pull through. I've made it through worse.



dude. i need to start a band. or be a professional show-goer-toer?? the wonder years this past saturday was awesome and well worth the 2 hour drive. I have very few friends (and i want to keep it that way) and brad is most certainly up there. So all around it was a good time. the wonder years put it on a great show and man overboard is awesome.



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just wait a couple months and you goin see, you'll never find nobody better than me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

another bump in the road.
after having such a great semester, i have to take a semester off probably because i can't afford to go to school right now and i applied for financial aid too late because i thought my mother was going to help me out.
I find out tomorrow if there is anything MCC can do to help me out until my financial aid gets approved.
If i have to take a semester off, its not the worst thing in the world. it'll give me time to work out and work more hours, and hang out with my dog. I just want to be over with school. so it an inconvience, but i've survived through worse. I'll get through this, like i said, its just a minor bump in my road. life will work itself out for me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

More snow.
less friends.
what a way to spend the last day of winter break. alone.
cool.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

welcome home

the past few months have been ups and downs. i've been deep down in the shitty. I lost the girl i loved for the better part of 3 years to a dude who has a picture of himself as the background of his myspace. I went into a negative bank account balance. i still don't know how i'm going to pay for school...but the good news is that i only have 2 more semesters at middlesex, so i guess i'll only be doing one more semester than planned. the good news is that after being completely down on my luck, i've realized that i, myself, am not a piece of shit and that i am much better than i thought i was for the past 3 years. I may not have a full head of hair, or i may not be tall dark and handsome, but i'm a nice guy....ladies. haha

getting there is getting by.

I'm not going to give up, roll over, and let the world take what it wants from me. I'm not going to move away, because i'd be running away from my problems, and i'd never grow up and become a man. My life is in here in new jersey, here in new brunswick, i've never felt more at home anywhere else. Maybe i can't go to chilis (HA), but i love this city. i never want to leave. only 28 more credits and i can start student teaching and i can move on with my life. I love my life as a life.

just cause we're down, doesn't mean we've gotta stay there.

i now realize that all good things eventually end but things always get better. My life will be great again one day. you were great, but you kept me down. you made me small. I'm built for greatness, yes even at 5 foot 3.

i want nice weather.

this cold is shitty and ridiculous and made the pipes in my house freeze so i have to use the upstairs bathroom. it also means that 6 dudes are using 1 bathroom. damn.
i also want to be able to go on walks with dog and stuff. i don't know. i want to life to be happy. winter in depressing.

i'm going to try and post on a semi regular basis for anyone who gives a shit. sort of chronical my life.

-mike