Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
a collection i guess. some of these are kinda corny and there's some grammatical errors
news
today, i was watching the news
and there was child on there
i think he went to some public school in new york city
and he couldn't form a sentence properly
but the school he went to was receiving an award for excellence
in education
and i thought to myself,
"maybe it's time to shave my beard."
but i opted to keep it.
fuck it.
Living Well Is The Best Revenge
1.
You try to stick knives in me
in my sides or back
but your stabs continue to miss
and become quite annoying
but i don't stab back,
i don't care enough anymore.
With the distance growing between us,
the happiness inside me grows.
the confidence you stripped me of returns
the manhood you stole from me reappears
my own voice is once again loud and important.
I'm not a new person, I'm an old person who had missing
for so long that people forgot he had ever been there,
some people never even knew him.
You were truly incarnate of the type of person
I can respect but never want to be.
so they say living well is the best revenge.
so I can say, I'm happy.
2
Terrorism
Moments before the bomb explodes
before American life becomes a memory
before we all succumb to the evils of the world
we will find each other standing there
Part of us will recognize each other,
and want to save us
but instead we move on
without a motion or a word.
Cone
I walk a thin line
and its getting harder and harder not to fall
the price to pay is getting higher
and I'm not sure if I can handle it
This has been my life
but how long does it have to take?
I want to make you smile
to be proud
So I take the long road laid out before me
with the best smile I can make
but I'm still scared,
I'm just letting you know...
the thousand mile fire
The miles ahead seemed infinate
the once golden/blue sky is now cloudy
the sun hasn't been out in days
and we fear that we will freeze
we fear we will starve
we fear the motives of others
We were all young once
some more so than others,
but now we are all grown up
no one wants to be this way
we want the clouds to be gone
we want to go to beaches and theme parks
we want to play baseball and basketball
we want to ride our skateboards around
we just want our lives back.
Some moved
some stayed put
but it doesn't matter much anymore
nobody counts age from 1 up and more.
life, age, birthdays, they are all a count down.
What is positivity?
We just want our lives back
A Short Glance
i've speant the last few nights up later than usual
a basic over-analyzation of the words
or the few short moments of silence
so here i lay.
early in the morning or late at night
however you would like to look at it
tv on mute, music on loud
pouring my heart into a few short words
a three hour thought process
turned into a few short lines
and every thought consists of you and i
good and bad
young and old
everything in between moment with every thats makes it worth everything
and yet i still lay, i am still writting.
and the world can keep its empty hearts.
cause i want to call this our bed.
but i can't even call this apartment my home
when i fall asleep, i really meet you at our spot,
but sometimes you dont show...
should i give up?
i hope you say no
things will get better if you give it time.
things will get better if i give it time.
things will get better.
my collection
1.
the last thing that she said to me was:
"you'll always mean nothing"
and these words packed a punch
i didn't quite expect
this exit wound
this unholy hole
2.
i'd much rather sit
and watch the planes land
than watch them take off
because watching them take off means
people are leaving.
it reminds me of the sting
of the death of my grandparents
or how i felt as i watched my dad
as he left New Jersey for good
or how every fight we have
she leaves
it reminds me of how imperfect everyone and everything is.
i want change.
so much so that i will give myself for something else.
3.
there are songs that still give me goosebumps.
but sometimes i wonder if it is because it is cold.
4.
Nothing.
at the start of the world there was nothing.
my theories say otherwise, but for the sake of this passage
there was nothing.
Life.
from this "nothing", life was created.
Aside from the trees and grass and all the wonderful vegitation,
there was a man and woman.
they coexisted with their environment.
but a darkness lived in this eutopia.
Evil.
There was large tree in the center of this beautiful place.
growing from this tree a fruit.
many theorize that this fruit contained the knowledge and power
of God.
but this fruit was forbidden.
Deceit.
one day, the woman led the man to the tree
"Eat the fruit," she said.
he was reluctant, but she finally convinced him that nothing will happen.
he ate the fruit.
as soon as he took the final bite,
and force came down from the heavens.
A voice.
without words, the man was banished from the garden, the beautiful place.
the woman was now content.
this is true in life.
there is no eutopia.
there is nothing, then life(for a short time of course), then evil, and finally deceit
5.
This Morning
isnt it wonderful
this morning
isnt it horrible
this morning
aren't we lost?
6.
Now that we've worn our masks
we're all out of ideas
so i guess this is a note to surrender
to say goodbye to what?
our eyes
7.
im hoping that this is all sign
that everything will be alright
that you and i
are two angels
holding hands, lightly kissing
i'm hoping that this isnt a sign
that we are going to tear each other apart
ripping limbs, eating the spare pieces
i hope we love
8.
i am running
not to get somewhere
not to get fit
not to be someone you want me to be
i am running
9. these wires,
only good to electrify
and illuminate
the goodnight kisses
and last goodbyes
for curatin calls
and the breaking of best friends
we walk in circles
10. in the spots our hearts were in
there are cars
and planes fly over our souls
we sold our bodies
for parking spots
11.no
never
not now
for god
for he isnt showing
12. the past is still here
lingering
in the darkest shadows
and we will hug again
but smiling is forbidden
today, i was watching the news
and there was child on there
i think he went to some public school in new york city
and he couldn't form a sentence properly
but the school he went to was receiving an award for excellence
in education
and i thought to myself,
"maybe it's time to shave my beard."
but i opted to keep it.
fuck it.
Living Well Is The Best Revenge
1.
You try to stick knives in me
in my sides or back
but your stabs continue to miss
and become quite annoying
but i don't stab back,
i don't care enough anymore.
With the distance growing between us,
the happiness inside me grows.
the confidence you stripped me of returns
the manhood you stole from me reappears
my own voice is once again loud and important.
I'm not a new person, I'm an old person who had missing
for so long that people forgot he had ever been there,
some people never even knew him.
You were truly incarnate of the type of person
I can respect but never want to be.
so they say living well is the best revenge.
so I can say, I'm happy.
2
Terrorism
Moments before the bomb explodes
before American life becomes a memory
before we all succumb to the evils of the world
we will find each other standing there
Part of us will recognize each other,
and want to save us
but instead we move on
without a motion or a word.
Cone
I walk a thin line
and its getting harder and harder not to fall
the price to pay is getting higher
and I'm not sure if I can handle it
This has been my life
but how long does it have to take?
I want to make you smile
to be proud
So I take the long road laid out before me
with the best smile I can make
but I'm still scared,
I'm just letting you know...
the thousand mile fire
The miles ahead seemed infinate
the once golden/blue sky is now cloudy
the sun hasn't been out in days
and we fear that we will freeze
we fear we will starve
we fear the motives of others
We were all young once
some more so than others,
but now we are all grown up
no one wants to be this way
we want the clouds to be gone
we want to go to beaches and theme parks
we want to play baseball and basketball
we want to ride our skateboards around
we just want our lives back.
Some moved
some stayed put
but it doesn't matter much anymore
nobody counts age from 1 up and more.
life, age, birthdays, they are all a count down.
What is positivity?
We just want our lives back
A Short Glance
i've speant the last few nights up later than usual
a basic over-analyzation of the words
or the few short moments of silence
so here i lay.
early in the morning or late at night
however you would like to look at it
tv on mute, music on loud
pouring my heart into a few short words
a three hour thought process
turned into a few short lines
and every thought consists of you and i
good and bad
young and old
everything in between moment with every thats makes it worth everything
and yet i still lay, i am still writting.
and the world can keep its empty hearts.
cause i want to call this our bed.
but i can't even call this apartment my home
when i fall asleep, i really meet you at our spot,
but sometimes you dont show...
should i give up?
i hope you say no
things will get better if you give it time.
things will get better if i give it time.
things will get better.
my collection
1.
the last thing that she said to me was:
"you'll always mean nothing"
and these words packed a punch
i didn't quite expect
this exit wound
this unholy hole
2.
i'd much rather sit
and watch the planes land
than watch them take off
because watching them take off means
people are leaving.
it reminds me of the sting
of the death of my grandparents
or how i felt as i watched my dad
as he left New Jersey for good
or how every fight we have
she leaves
it reminds me of how imperfect everyone and everything is.
i want change.
so much so that i will give myself for something else.
3.
there are songs that still give me goosebumps.
but sometimes i wonder if it is because it is cold.
4.
Nothing.
at the start of the world there was nothing.
my theories say otherwise, but for the sake of this passage
there was nothing.
Life.
from this "nothing", life was created.
Aside from the trees and grass and all the wonderful vegitation,
there was a man and woman.
they coexisted with their environment.
but a darkness lived in this eutopia.
Evil.
There was large tree in the center of this beautiful place.
growing from this tree a fruit.
many theorize that this fruit contained the knowledge and power
of God.
but this fruit was forbidden.
Deceit.
one day, the woman led the man to the tree
"Eat the fruit," she said.
he was reluctant, but she finally convinced him that nothing will happen.
he ate the fruit.
as soon as he took the final bite,
and force came down from the heavens.
A voice.
without words, the man was banished from the garden, the beautiful place.
the woman was now content.
this is true in life.
there is no eutopia.
there is nothing, then life(for a short time of course), then evil, and finally deceit
5.
This Morning
isnt it wonderful
this morning
isnt it horrible
this morning
aren't we lost?
6.
Now that we've worn our masks
we're all out of ideas
so i guess this is a note to surrender
to say goodbye to what?
our eyes
7.
im hoping that this is all sign
that everything will be alright
that you and i
are two angels
holding hands, lightly kissing
i'm hoping that this isnt a sign
that we are going to tear each other apart
ripping limbs, eating the spare pieces
i hope we love
8.
i am running
not to get somewhere
not to get fit
not to be someone you want me to be
i am running
9. these wires,
only good to electrify
and illuminate
the goodnight kisses
and last goodbyes
for curatin calls
and the breaking of best friends
we walk in circles
10. in the spots our hearts were in
there are cars
and planes fly over our souls
we sold our bodies
for parking spots
11.no
never
not now
for god
for he isnt showing
12. the past is still here
lingering
in the darkest shadows
and we will hug again
but smiling is forbidden
Saturday, May 29, 2010
i live on dix street
we called the house "Little Richard's" get it?
i keep making new friends and doing new things. i love life.
i keep making new friends and doing new things. i love life.
Friday, May 21, 2010
goodbye 17 comstock
i'm a week away from moving into a new house. i've lived at 17 comstock street since jan. 2007, so for 3 and 1/2 years.
today, i'm cleaning out most of the stuff i haven't touched since before i moved into the house. i was cleaning out my desk drawers when i came across everything from my relationship with cait that i had tucked away and forgotten about. it's now been 2 years since we've been broken up and it still feels like it was yesterday. i've been happy a lot recently, but i always miss her, and having my two best friends go through what they're going through now reminds me of the end and makes me despressed. I found the movie ticket from the night i asked cait out.the hills have eyes, friday 3/10/2006 at 8:20 pm. theater 17. i found the card cait gave me for my 21st birthday. these things among other stuff from 2 years ago made me cry for the first time in along time. i know, it's an old story, but i still miss her, or what we had, even though i know i'm never getting her back. i had something great and i thought that it wasn't good enough.
i don't know if i'm over her. i don't know if i will be. but past the melodrama, i just wish i knew what to do to not think about her anymore. because even if i throw everything away, even if i move to a different state, even after seeing a therapist, i still feel like i will still miss her.
and there have been girls since, but when i'm with them, i want to be with her, or i want things to be how they were with her.
i'm seriously surprised i don't drink.
oh well.
"most nights i just throw a movie in the vcr
and fall asleep on the couch and wake up tired
i try not to miss you
but i don't try very hard"
today, i'm cleaning out most of the stuff i haven't touched since before i moved into the house. i was cleaning out my desk drawers when i came across everything from my relationship with cait that i had tucked away and forgotten about. it's now been 2 years since we've been broken up and it still feels like it was yesterday. i've been happy a lot recently, but i always miss her, and having my two best friends go through what they're going through now reminds me of the end and makes me despressed. I found the movie ticket from the night i asked cait out.the hills have eyes, friday 3/10/2006 at 8:20 pm. theater 17. i found the card cait gave me for my 21st birthday. these things among other stuff from 2 years ago made me cry for the first time in along time. i know, it's an old story, but i still miss her, or what we had, even though i know i'm never getting her back. i had something great and i thought that it wasn't good enough.
i don't know if i'm over her. i don't know if i will be. but past the melodrama, i just wish i knew what to do to not think about her anymore. because even if i throw everything away, even if i move to a different state, even after seeing a therapist, i still feel like i will still miss her.
and there have been girls since, but when i'm with them, i want to be with her, or i want things to be how they were with her.
i'm seriously surprised i don't drink.
oh well.
"most nights i just throw a movie in the vcr
and fall asleep on the couch and wake up tired
i try not to miss you
but i don't try very hard"
Saturday, May 15, 2010
eight letters
The first letter I wrote you was way too long
Way too crazy, way too scary, way too sad
The second one I wrote you was way too short
Just said, "I love you, baby. Please come back."
The third one that I wrote you was right down the middle
Somehow it didn't quite sum it all up.
The fourth one that I wrote you, I did the best that I could do
We both know that was never enough.
I had nothing nice to say,
I said it anyway.
Somehow it made me feel better.
Oh, but in the end, I guess,
It was probably for the best
That I never sent you those letters.
The fifth one that I wrote you was one big, long joke
You probably wouldn't think was very funny
The sixth one that I wrote you was a strictly business note
Requesting you pay me back that last two months rent money
The seventh one was magic, it was totally romantic
it would have made your little boxer shorts melt
But the eighth time that I tried, I swear I couldn't even write.
I just curled up and cried all by myself
I had nothing nice to say,
I said it anyway.
Somehow it made me feel better.
Oh, but in the end, I guess,
it was probably for the best
That I never sent you those letters.
Way too crazy, way too scary, way too sad
The second one I wrote you was way too short
Just said, "I love you, baby. Please come back."
The third one that I wrote you was right down the middle
Somehow it didn't quite sum it all up.
The fourth one that I wrote you, I did the best that I could do
We both know that was never enough.
I had nothing nice to say,
I said it anyway.
Somehow it made me feel better.
Oh, but in the end, I guess,
It was probably for the best
That I never sent you those letters.
The fifth one that I wrote you was one big, long joke
You probably wouldn't think was very funny
The sixth one that I wrote you was a strictly business note
Requesting you pay me back that last two months rent money
The seventh one was magic, it was totally romantic
it would have made your little boxer shorts melt
But the eighth time that I tried, I swear I couldn't even write.
I just curled up and cried all by myself
I had nothing nice to say,
I said it anyway.
Somehow it made me feel better.
Oh, but in the end, I guess,
it was probably for the best
That I never sent you those letters.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
NEED ROOMMATES!
so here's the deal!
I FOUND A SWEET HOUSE. the house is beautiful. there are six rooms.
3 have been claimed, so there are 3 available
two doubles and a single
the doubles are 540 a month
and the single is 450 a month.
here is the craigslist listing: http://cnj.craigslist.org/apa/1708702116.html
the landlord is super nice and very accommodating. the security deposit is a month and a half rent. so for the doubles it'd be 810 upon signing of the lease and for the single it's be 675. the thing is we want to sign by THIS SATURDAY MAY 1! if you are interested or you know anyone who wants to live in new brunswick, send me a message on facebook or myspace. and please spread the word!
I FOUND A SWEET HOUSE. the house is beautiful. there are six rooms.
3 have been claimed, so there are 3 available
two doubles and a single
the doubles are 540 a month
and the single is 450 a month.
here is the craigslist listing: http://cnj.craigslist.org/apa/1708702116.html
the landlord is super nice and very accommodating. the security deposit is a month and a half rent. so for the doubles it'd be 810 upon signing of the lease and for the single it's be 675. the thing is we want to sign by THIS SATURDAY MAY 1! if you are interested or you know anyone who wants to live in new brunswick, send me a message on facebook or myspace. and please spread the word!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
a list why this girl is a good prospect
1. she's super cute
2. she's really smart
3. she's straight edge/vegan
4. she has impeccable grammar
5. she's currently single
6. she's the same age as me
7. she's super cute
8. she's nice
9. she's fun to be around
10. i could go on and on.
i have my fingers crossed here.
2. she's really smart
3. she's straight edge/vegan
4. she has impeccable grammar
5. she's currently single
6. she's the same age as me
7. she's super cute
8. she's nice
9. she's fun to be around
10. i could go on and on.
i have my fingers crossed here.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
sat-UH-dazed
last night scott and i ended up in ac and i ended up $100 dollars down. all is good. it was a good time. we filmed. it should be up soon! sike episode 2.
and i got Princess a bigger crate the other day and now she can lay out in it as apposed to the other one where she couldn't even turn around. she's in awe. and she loves. she'll just go in there and chill rather than laying on the bed.
also i'm currently in search for a new place to live in june. hopefully somewhere cheaper and more downtown. i'm looking.
now enough of this, i'm going outside, it's sunny and 70 degrees. SPRING DAY ONE! COUNTDOWN TO SUMMERRRRRRR!
and i got Princess a bigger crate the other day and now she can lay out in it as apposed to the other one where she couldn't even turn around. she's in awe. and she loves. she'll just go in there and chill rather than laying on the bed.
also i'm currently in search for a new place to live in june. hopefully somewhere cheaper and more downtown. i'm looking.
now enough of this, i'm going outside, it's sunny and 70 degrees. SPRING DAY ONE! COUNTDOWN TO SUMMERRRRRRR!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
sat-turd-ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
last night went off without problem. this week should go quickly. Brad is home on break and John Bradley is too. Scott and I are recording vocals for Beer Friends sometime this week. I'm just waiting until april 5th! I can not wait for washington DC! I love that place so much.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
check out my other blog/ i'm sick again/Recordz
first off, i started a new blog with scott about juggalo sightings because i have an unhealthy obsession with these ninjas. go check it out! http://lookatthatfuckingjuggalo.blogspot.com/
so what's good with being sick with the same thing 3 times in 4 months? not a fucking thing. it sucks, but i went on a vinyl spree and added many to my collection over the past month.
Here they are:
7in:
Tim Barry - Live at Munford Elementary
Teenage Cool Kids - Speaking in Tounges/Crucial Talk single
Mike Hale/Joey Cape - Covers Split
Desert City Soundtrack/ The Rum Diary - Split
Get Rad/Smashin' Off! - Split
Positive Noise - No Hardcore EP
Bailout! - EP
Stressed Out/Rip It Up - Split
Get Rad/Protestant - Split
The Measure [sa]/The Ergs! - Split
Small Brown Bike - Composite, Volume One
Choose X - Our Life (this band is some crazy European XXX band)
These Arms Are Snakes/ All The Saints - split
Grabass Charlestons/ The Ergs! - Split
Sinking Ships - Ten
Get Rad/ Call Me Lightning - Split
Minor Threat - First Demo Tape
10in:
Chuck Ragan with Jon Gaunt and Friends - The Daytrotter Sessions
12in:
Russian Circles/These Arms Are Snakes - Split
Polar Bear Club - The Redder, The Better
Sugarhill Gang - Rapper's Delight single
Transistor Transistor - Erase All Names and Likeness Double LP
Hall & Oates - Big Bam Boom
7 Seconds - The Crew
Trick Daddy - Shut Up single
Queen Latifah - Come Into My House Single
Doctor Ice - The Mic Stalker
Richard Pryor - Holy Smoke!
Squeeze - Babylon and On (got this for a dollar!)
Crime In Stereo - Selective Wreckage
Miles Davis - The Man With The Horn
Fat Wreck Chords - Survival Of The Fattest COMP
Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks Single
The Wonder Years - The Upsides
so what's good with being sick with the same thing 3 times in 4 months? not a fucking thing. it sucks, but i went on a vinyl spree and added many to my collection over the past month.
Here they are:
7in:
Tim Barry - Live at Munford Elementary
Teenage Cool Kids - Speaking in Tounges/Crucial Talk single
Mike Hale/Joey Cape - Covers Split
Desert City Soundtrack/ The Rum Diary - Split
Get Rad/Smashin' Off! - Split
Positive Noise - No Hardcore EP
Bailout! - EP
Stressed Out/Rip It Up - Split
Get Rad/Protestant - Split
The Measure [sa]/The Ergs! - Split
Small Brown Bike - Composite, Volume One
Choose X - Our Life (this band is some crazy European XXX band)
These Arms Are Snakes/ All The Saints - split
Grabass Charlestons/ The Ergs! - Split
Sinking Ships - Ten
Get Rad/ Call Me Lightning - Split
Minor Threat - First Demo Tape
10in:
Chuck Ragan with Jon Gaunt and Friends - The Daytrotter Sessions
12in:
Russian Circles/These Arms Are Snakes - Split
Polar Bear Club - The Redder, The Better
Sugarhill Gang - Rapper's Delight single
Transistor Transistor - Erase All Names and Likeness Double LP
Hall & Oates - Big Bam Boom
7 Seconds - The Crew
Trick Daddy - Shut Up single
Queen Latifah - Come Into My House Single
Doctor Ice - The Mic Stalker
Richard Pryor - Holy Smoke!
Squeeze - Babylon and On (got this for a dollar!)
Crime In Stereo - Selective Wreckage
Miles Davis - The Man With The Horn
Fat Wreck Chords - Survival Of The Fattest COMP
Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks Single
The Wonder Years - The Upsides
Saturday, February 27, 2010
sat-er-gai
so i had to get my windshield wipers fixed. only $38 bucks. not bad. thought it would be worse.
want to get tattooed again. but i won't.
also, it is official. i am addicted:
want to get tattooed again. but i won't.
also, it is official. i am addicted:
Friday, February 26, 2010
Dear Snow,
I HATE YOU.
thanks for ruining my first ever trip to Boston and my weekend in general. I officially hate winter.
love,
ran
thanks for ruining my first ever trip to Boston and my weekend in general. I officially hate winter.
love,
ran
Thursday, February 25, 2010
something some stuff
so i am sick yet again. sore throat, stuffy nose, achey. it's awesome. luckily i have off today because of the snow! so i'm resting and hoping that i'm okay for tomorrow. So the plans for tomorrow are Cody and Brad are coming to pick me up and we're heading up to New Hampshire (or New Hamster as one of the kids at work called it the other day) and spending Friday night there. Then we're shipping down to Boston in the AM to see Crime In Stereo, Defeater, Blacklisted, and Make Do and Mend! I'm super stoked.
Also I've been listening to this band called CLOUDKICKER a lot recently, they're an awesome instrumental band from ohio, if you get the chance, check them out @ . So uh, yeah. hopefully this weekend goes on without a hitch. keep your fingers crossed!
Also I've been listening to this band called CLOUDKICKER a lot recently, they're an awesome instrumental band from ohio, if you get the chance, check them out @ . So uh, yeah. hopefully this weekend goes on without a hitch. keep your fingers crossed!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
for valentines day
i got a new board! and i'm actually going to use it since i'll have someone to start skating with me again!
Friday, February 12, 2010
things making me sad
my life has been pretty awesome, but i had a talk with scott tonight about some serious things and it made me realize that some sad things are happening...for starters, this is my second valentines day alone. even though i went out last year it didn't mean a thing and i was truly alone anyone. i hate the feeling, i love valentines day, but not alone. my best friends are hitting a rough patch in their relationship and that makes me sad because it reminds me of me and cait at the end of that, and i don't want that to happen to anyone.(in the way that i acted or she acted). idk. it makes me sad how i used to be such good friends with dave and now we don't even talk. humans are so flawed, how can we stand each other's company for more than a mintue?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
snow day 2
so it's supposed to snow 18 inches by tomorrow afternoon, but do i ever stay off the roads!?!? no way!!! beer friends practice tonight for our friday night show.
my beard is growing! i'm not sure when i'll shave but this is what it looks like now:
the dogs have been in and out of the house today enjoying the snow. they're loving it! me not so much. I wish it would just be spring or summer already. here're a few photos from this morning:
i really can't wait for the next three weekends! especially my first trip to Boston ever!! good things!
my beard is growing! i'm not sure when i'll shave but this is what it looks like now:
the dogs have been in and out of the house today enjoying the snow. they're loving it! me not so much. I wish it would just be spring or summer already. here're a few photos from this morning:
i really can't wait for the next three weekends! especially my first trip to Boston ever!! good things!
Monday, February 8, 2010
more vocals in the monitor-the ergs
Shit was so much easier
Before you came around.
Before you changed things for the worse.
Before all these empty kisses,
Sorrows that I drown.
Who knew love was such a curse?
Shit was so much easier
Before the night that I first kissed you
Before i fell in love with you.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this old broken heart no.
No more.
Shit was so much easier
Before the night we met
Before you broke my fucking heart in two.
Shit was so much easier
Before you told me all those white lies.
Now what's a fool supposed to do?
Shit was so much easier
Before the night that I first kissed you
Before i fell in love with you.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this old broken heart no more.
No more.
No more.
No more.
that being said. i'm glad you're stupid. you deserve it!
Before you came around.
Before you changed things for the worse.
Before all these empty kisses,
Sorrows that I drown.
Who knew love was such a curse?
Shit was so much easier
Before the night that I first kissed you
Before i fell in love with you.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this old broken heart no.
No more.
Shit was so much easier
Before the night we met
Before you broke my fucking heart in two.
Shit was so much easier
Before you told me all those white lies.
Now what's a fool supposed to do?
Shit was so much easier
Before the night that I first kissed you
Before i fell in love with you.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this old broken heart no more.
No more.
No more.
No more.
that being said. i'm glad you're stupid. you deserve it!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
super bowl sunday
so I am currently watching the puppy bowl and looking at cute overload and maybe taking a nap. so far it's been a good day.
Besides that, Beer Friends, the musical project Scott and I thought up sometime last week has our first show on Friday! We'll have our songs recorded and t-shirts made. amazing how things come together. you can listen to some songs here: http://www.drop.io/brfrndzzz
most of the songs are only instrumental but one has scott on vocals. we're recording sometime before the show so we can hand out some CDs.
besides that!
i really wish i had a winter jacket! i should have asked for one for christmas, because wearing a windbreaker isn't helping! I looked for one in NYC yesterday but to no avail. I'm seriously excited for the next 3 weekends, it's going to be sooooo good. good moods all around!
also, someone find me skinny jeans that stretch that have a 28 length plz.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
do you believe in fate?
what a corny fucking title to this..
I haven't written anything of any lasting value for awhile and it makes this already pointless blog feel a bit empty, right?
While this post is fueled by the fact that I just re-watched the movie (500) Days of Summer, I feel that message I'm trying to convey will be clear.
I am a hopeless romantic. That sounds really cool right, like in the movies, where a guy runs after a girl as her bus is leaving, shit like that. It isn't cool, not at all. Because where any "bro" can meet a girl, hook-up with her and then never talk to her again, I have never done that and don't see it happening anytime in the near future. I fall for every girl I kiss, any girl who shows the least bit of interest in me.
PRELUDE
In my case, let's start with the first girl I ever made out with. Emily. I was 14(turning 15 in a month), and we were on a cruise to Canada. I had a crush on this girl from the moment I saw her walk past in the buffet(why the fuck do I remember this clearly!?).I spent the week on the cruise chasing her, subtly, while I was sure she liked this other guy there. Then the last night of the cruise it was 3 am and we were still out, sitting on some couch in one the lounge areas and she learned over and we kissed. It was amazing, although the kiss itself is a blur as it happened almost 8 years ago and it was 3 am at the time. But that's not the end of this story at all.
We exchanged e-mails(Gen X, it's what we did). She sent me an e-mail saying how much she liked me and how she wanted to hang out asap, but I lived central NJ and she lived in upstate NY and we had about 2 years before we were able to drive. Regardless, we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I would break rules and give her long distances calls and spend all my mom's money on these calls.
2 weeks later:(again, my memory is too vivid)
Vacation number two for the summer. We went to some resort in Virginia for my step-dad's friend's retirement party(?). This was going to be the worst, but it fell on my birthday so I was cool with it. The place was pretty great, the cabin was awesome, the resort had a skatepark(who could ask for more?), but as far as human interaction, the pickens were slim.
The third night there was the guy's retirement dinner. While I sat at this round table in this banquet hall with old people I've never met, a girl walked in. She was stunning, the kind of girl that in any normal situation, would never talk to a 15(that day was my birthday, talk about a birthday present, but don't worry, we'll get there) year old skateboarder who looked as though he never bathed. So I sat in awe and admired from afar.
After the dinner was over, I went outside and put on my headphones(system of a down, gnarly) and read(lookin sophisticated) and continued to admire. I looked down at my book for a minute and then looked back up and she was standing in front of me (as was an excessively overweight friend who didn't realize her weight, i also can't remember her name).
While I don't quite the exact conversational details, I remember being invited to her room, to go in her hot tub. I told my mother of this interaction and the invitation and she was more than enthused to drive me to this rendevous. Being my nervous self, I did not bring a bathing suit.
When I got there, I knocked on the door and she opened it, my hear was pounding. The fat friend was sitting on the couch and math work was laid out across the coffee table(she had been doing homework). She asked why I hadn't brought my bathing suit, I told her I totally forgot, so we proceeded to play board games. After sometime, the fat friend made this suggestion:
"Let's play truth or dare!"
I don't remember much of the game, except the very end of that game, where Kate turned to her little cousin (who I guess she was watching), who was sitting at the kitchen table behind us, and said, "don't tell anyone!" and then turned back to me and, on the dare, kissed me, probably one of the best kisses I've had to date and that was the catalyst. For the next week, we hung out each day and kissed a lot.
On our last night together, things almost went to the next level if it hadn't been for some intrusive parents (and the fact the we were 15 and 13 years old respectively), but she gave me her number and convinced me that we were still going to see each other (after all, she lived in NJ).
When I was home, I told my best friend at the time, Kevin, that I was in love. I scarcely talked to Emily anymore.I even made it into Kate's AOL profile.
This great feeling was short lived. Roughly a week later, I was removed from Kate's profile and replaced by another boy's name(probably tall and dark and handsome not short and weird and dirty). I imed her and asked her what the deal was and she told me flat out that I was just a hook-up, a summer fling(She was 2 years younger than me and understood the art of the hook-up more than I did, or ever will for that matter).And that was that.
STORYLINESUCKS
Now you are probably what the point of that prelude was, besides complete shinfo. I wanted to prove that love always takes shotgun in relationships with me. I never meet a girl and think, "oh man, I plan on fucking the shit out of her and then never talk to her again." I fall in love and then let it engulf me. After my great summer of unintentional hooking up, I met and Danielle and dated her for 2 years and I'm pretty sure I loved her (although since me, it seems like she has a new boyfriend every week). Then after Danielle, I really didn't have anyone I was truly in love with until Cait. I mean, in a way, I'm still getting over Cait. She was a huge part of my 22 years on this earth. And I screwed up and she's over me and that's okay. I understand that, but she'll always have a part of me. These two cases prove that I don't just jump from relationship to relationship.
But I made the exact same mistake that led towards the end of both of the relationships. In fact, if you compare side by side the two endings, they're almost a mirror image.
With Danielle, it was Cait(a different Cait than the one I loved) and with Cait, it was Ilyssa. Now I would never cheat, I don't have the balls, but I liked to flirt and these two girls (Cait2 and Ilyssa) would flirt back. I guess I needed to be reassured that I still "had it". Even when I was blessed with a great relationship. And I was fucking terrible at concealing my misdeeds(not that my lack of skill in concealing my short-comings makes them excusable) and I was found out both times and for both Danielle and Cait, that was the last straw. And for both, the break up was rough and a lot of yelling and a lot of "never talking to you again"(and one "i'm really not talking to you again and the law says so").
This is all over the place right now, but the point of it is that since the demise of Cait and I, I've been looking for an adequate replacement for that job. Not some girl to just date, but some girl to be in love with. Which leads me to part 3 in the saga:
whatthefuckiswrongwithme?
For my regular readers(HAHA), you will know most of this part since is chronicled throughout this blog. but I will go into a bit more depth or not...either way read on.
1. Courtney
My first venture beyond Cait. She was 18 and acted 18. She got drunk and did drugs and fucked guys and didn't read much and listened to country music. BUT her grammar was impeccable and her personality was addictive. I began to shower more, I lost weight, I dressed nicer. She liked me, I liked her. But she had a boyfriend in boot camp and I knew in the back of my mind that this was going nowhere, but I loved spending time with her. She was cute, she could hold a conversation and she made me smile.
But I expect too much and got too offended when it all didn't go my way. But that was only round 1 of 3 for the year of 2009.
2. Amanda
This is round two and was an act of desperation. Not only did she not fit my physical standards, but she didn't fit my intellectual standards either. But in a haste, I asked her out and she began sleeping over every night. And it didn't take long for me to realize that she was not for me, but too be fairly honest, I'd never broken up with anyone before so I did not know what to do. So I let it drag on for a month (we dated for roughly a month and a half).
She was supposed to go to my cousin Ryan's wedding with me in the beginning of September, but I couldn't let it drag that far, I didn't want her there, she wasn't for me at all. So I did a really dick thing and broke up with her via text. It's not that she didn't try or she didn't the best she could, but it would have never been good enough for me.
one more to go and I think the most crucial on the year.
3. Jackie
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. I had always thought she was cute. So one day, I added her on facebook. She had a boyfriend, but whatever. I started commenting on her shit and eventually facebook iming. Which eventually turned into texting. Which eventually turned into me coaxing her into going to the movies with me.
She was smart and cute and read books and listened to good music and could have a conversation with me and on top of it all, she was shorter than me! What else could I want?
We hung out and we went places and we just drove and she went to Wisconsin and she said she was going to break up with her boyfriend and she said she wanted me and she missed me and she said a lot. and I fell for her.
When we held hands, I felt like I didn't have heart in my body because it had floated so high in the sky. We kissed and it was at an awkward time but it was great. And that's where things got complicated.
The boyfriend didn't take the break up the way she had thought and he actually made an effort to change and I became neurotic and crazy and pushed her away and slowly she didn't want to be with me. She didn't want to see me. and more recently not talk to me.
and there it was, I sabotaged what was going to be great. and this is where love leaves me now. It started out as a 14 year old punk with no experience and it has brought me to a 22 year old punk with too much time to think and not enough time to not think.
And while I've been content with life recently, I'm not going to say that I don't want to be in love again. I mean by 3 best friends are all in relationships(two with each other!) and I'm the odd man out. But I think I've give up searching because what's the point? If something falls into my lap, then great, but I'm not going to worry myself to the point of driving myself crazy anymore.
And this is where the whole fate thing comes into play. I truly believe that there is one person out there for me. It's not Emily or Kate or Danielle or Cait or Cait or Ilyssa or Courtney or Amanda or Jackie(if it was anyone of them, would things have gone the way the did, but who knows?). Maybe it's someone I've never met or someone I don't realize. But, my time will come and why can't I enjoy life in the mean time?
What's the point of being sad all the time?
none.
Things can get me down, but I refuse to stay there, I always get back on my feet.
I know this blog has focused mostly on the trials and tribulations of my love life and I'm sure it usually will, but that's who I am. I'm a romantic. and It's a curse I'm learning to accept, as fucking stupid as that sounds. So I really don't where to go from here, so I guess I'll just see what the future brings.
whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere
I haven't written anything of any lasting value for awhile and it makes this already pointless blog feel a bit empty, right?
While this post is fueled by the fact that I just re-watched the movie (500) Days of Summer, I feel that message I'm trying to convey will be clear.
I am a hopeless romantic. That sounds really cool right, like in the movies, where a guy runs after a girl as her bus is leaving, shit like that. It isn't cool, not at all. Because where any "bro" can meet a girl, hook-up with her and then never talk to her again, I have never done that and don't see it happening anytime in the near future. I fall for every girl I kiss, any girl who shows the least bit of interest in me.
PRELUDE
In my case, let's start with the first girl I ever made out with. Emily. I was 14(turning 15 in a month), and we were on a cruise to Canada. I had a crush on this girl from the moment I saw her walk past in the buffet(why the fuck do I remember this clearly!?).I spent the week on the cruise chasing her, subtly, while I was sure she liked this other guy there. Then the last night of the cruise it was 3 am and we were still out, sitting on some couch in one the lounge areas and she learned over and we kissed. It was amazing, although the kiss itself is a blur as it happened almost 8 years ago and it was 3 am at the time. But that's not the end of this story at all.
We exchanged e-mails(Gen X, it's what we did). She sent me an e-mail saying how much she liked me and how she wanted to hang out asap, but I lived central NJ and she lived in upstate NY and we had about 2 years before we were able to drive. Regardless, we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I would break rules and give her long distances calls and spend all my mom's money on these calls.
2 weeks later:(again, my memory is too vivid)
Vacation number two for the summer. We went to some resort in Virginia for my step-dad's friend's retirement party(?). This was going to be the worst, but it fell on my birthday so I was cool with it. The place was pretty great, the cabin was awesome, the resort had a skatepark(who could ask for more?), but as far as human interaction, the pickens were slim.
The third night there was the guy's retirement dinner. While I sat at this round table in this banquet hall with old people I've never met, a girl walked in. She was stunning, the kind of girl that in any normal situation, would never talk to a 15(that day was my birthday, talk about a birthday present, but don't worry, we'll get there) year old skateboarder who looked as though he never bathed. So I sat in awe and admired from afar.
After the dinner was over, I went outside and put on my headphones(system of a down, gnarly) and read(lookin sophisticated) and continued to admire. I looked down at my book for a minute and then looked back up and she was standing in front of me (as was an excessively overweight friend who didn't realize her weight, i also can't remember her name).
While I don't quite the exact conversational details, I remember being invited to her room, to go in her hot tub. I told my mother of this interaction and the invitation and she was more than enthused to drive me to this rendevous. Being my nervous self, I did not bring a bathing suit.
When I got there, I knocked on the door and she opened it, my hear was pounding. The fat friend was sitting on the couch and math work was laid out across the coffee table(she had been doing homework). She asked why I hadn't brought my bathing suit, I told her I totally forgot, so we proceeded to play board games. After sometime, the fat friend made this suggestion:
"Let's play truth or dare!"
I don't remember much of the game, except the very end of that game, where Kate turned to her little cousin (who I guess she was watching), who was sitting at the kitchen table behind us, and said, "don't tell anyone!" and then turned back to me and, on the dare, kissed me, probably one of the best kisses I've had to date and that was the catalyst. For the next week, we hung out each day and kissed a lot.
On our last night together, things almost went to the next level if it hadn't been for some intrusive parents (and the fact the we were 15 and 13 years old respectively), but she gave me her number and convinced me that we were still going to see each other (after all, she lived in NJ).
When I was home, I told my best friend at the time, Kevin, that I was in love. I scarcely talked to Emily anymore.I even made it into Kate's AOL profile.
This great feeling was short lived. Roughly a week later, I was removed from Kate's profile and replaced by another boy's name(probably tall and dark and handsome not short and weird and dirty). I imed her and asked her what the deal was and she told me flat out that I was just a hook-up, a summer fling(She was 2 years younger than me and understood the art of the hook-up more than I did, or ever will for that matter).And that was that.
STORYLINESUCKS
Now you are probably what the point of that prelude was, besides complete shinfo. I wanted to prove that love always takes shotgun in relationships with me. I never meet a girl and think, "oh man, I plan on fucking the shit out of her and then never talk to her again." I fall in love and then let it engulf me. After my great summer of unintentional hooking up, I met and Danielle and dated her for 2 years and I'm pretty sure I loved her (although since me, it seems like she has a new boyfriend every week). Then after Danielle, I really didn't have anyone I was truly in love with until Cait. I mean, in a way, I'm still getting over Cait. She was a huge part of my 22 years on this earth. And I screwed up and she's over me and that's okay. I understand that, but she'll always have a part of me. These two cases prove that I don't just jump from relationship to relationship.
But I made the exact same mistake that led towards the end of both of the relationships. In fact, if you compare side by side the two endings, they're almost a mirror image.
With Danielle, it was Cait(a different Cait than the one I loved) and with Cait, it was Ilyssa. Now I would never cheat, I don't have the balls, but I liked to flirt and these two girls (Cait2 and Ilyssa) would flirt back. I guess I needed to be reassured that I still "had it". Even when I was blessed with a great relationship. And I was fucking terrible at concealing my misdeeds(not that my lack of skill in concealing my short-comings makes them excusable) and I was found out both times and for both Danielle and Cait, that was the last straw. And for both, the break up was rough and a lot of yelling and a lot of "never talking to you again"(and one "i'm really not talking to you again and the law says so").
This is all over the place right now, but the point of it is that since the demise of Cait and I, I've been looking for an adequate replacement for that job. Not some girl to just date, but some girl to be in love with. Which leads me to part 3 in the saga:
whatthefuckiswrongwithme?
For my regular readers(HAHA), you will know most of this part since is chronicled throughout this blog. but I will go into a bit more depth or not...either way read on.
1. Courtney
My first venture beyond Cait. She was 18 and acted 18. She got drunk and did drugs and fucked guys and didn't read much and listened to country music. BUT her grammar was impeccable and her personality was addictive. I began to shower more, I lost weight, I dressed nicer. She liked me, I liked her. But she had a boyfriend in boot camp and I knew in the back of my mind that this was going nowhere, but I loved spending time with her. She was cute, she could hold a conversation and she made me smile.
But I expect too much and got too offended when it all didn't go my way. But that was only round 1 of 3 for the year of 2009.
2. Amanda
This is round two and was an act of desperation. Not only did she not fit my physical standards, but she didn't fit my intellectual standards either. But in a haste, I asked her out and she began sleeping over every night. And it didn't take long for me to realize that she was not for me, but too be fairly honest, I'd never broken up with anyone before so I did not know what to do. So I let it drag on for a month (we dated for roughly a month and a half).
She was supposed to go to my cousin Ryan's wedding with me in the beginning of September, but I couldn't let it drag that far, I didn't want her there, she wasn't for me at all. So I did a really dick thing and broke up with her via text. It's not that she didn't try or she didn't the best she could, but it would have never been good enough for me.
one more to go and I think the most crucial on the year.
3. Jackie
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. I had always thought she was cute. So one day, I added her on facebook. She had a boyfriend, but whatever. I started commenting on her shit and eventually facebook iming. Which eventually turned into texting. Which eventually turned into me coaxing her into going to the movies with me.
She was smart and cute and read books and listened to good music and could have a conversation with me and on top of it all, she was shorter than me! What else could I want?
We hung out and we went places and we just drove and she went to Wisconsin and she said she was going to break up with her boyfriend and she said she wanted me and she missed me and she said a lot. and I fell for her.
When we held hands, I felt like I didn't have heart in my body because it had floated so high in the sky. We kissed and it was at an awkward time but it was great. And that's where things got complicated.
The boyfriend didn't take the break up the way she had thought and he actually made an effort to change and I became neurotic and crazy and pushed her away and slowly she didn't want to be with me. She didn't want to see me. and more recently not talk to me.
and there it was, I sabotaged what was going to be great. and this is where love leaves me now. It started out as a 14 year old punk with no experience and it has brought me to a 22 year old punk with too much time to think and not enough time to not think.
And while I've been content with life recently, I'm not going to say that I don't want to be in love again. I mean by 3 best friends are all in relationships(two with each other!) and I'm the odd man out. But I think I've give up searching because what's the point? If something falls into my lap, then great, but I'm not going to worry myself to the point of driving myself crazy anymore.
And this is where the whole fate thing comes into play. I truly believe that there is one person out there for me. It's not Emily or Kate or Danielle or Cait or Cait or Ilyssa or Courtney or Amanda or Jackie(if it was anyone of them, would things have gone the way the did, but who knows?). Maybe it's someone I've never met or someone I don't realize. But, my time will come and why can't I enjoy life in the mean time?
What's the point of being sad all the time?
none.
Things can get me down, but I refuse to stay there, I always get back on my feet.
I know this blog has focused mostly on the trials and tribulations of my love life and I'm sure it usually will, but that's who I am. I'm a romantic. and It's a curse I'm learning to accept, as fucking stupid as that sounds. So I really don't where to go from here, so I guess I'll just see what the future brings.
whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere
Friday, February 5, 2010
some things and some other things
so scott and i started a "band". beer friends. it's fun.
besides that i met someone...well not really met, but rather reintroduced. so we'll were things go...
either way my good mood isn't going anywhere and your petty, childish bullshit is not going to bring me down. so act like a kid and i'll be fine either way....or rather, i guess act your age, right?
besides that i met someone...well not really met, but rather reintroduced. so we'll were things go...
either way my good mood isn't going anywhere and your petty, childish bullshit is not going to bring me down. so act like a kid and i'll be fine either way....or rather, i guess act your age, right?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
aside from that.
although 2010 started off on a weird note, it has taken a great turn and really been great to me so far.
February is going to be great:
2/12-LBI to watch scott play another noise set. partyyyyy
2/19-AC for NFG. and spending the weekend at brad's!
2/27- BOSTON!!!!! for CIS release. i can't wait. i've never been to boston ever.
i also can't wait for this summer. toronto and savannah!
February is going to be great:
2/12-LBI to watch scott play another noise set. partyyyyy
2/19-AC for NFG. and spending the weekend at brad's!
2/27- BOSTON!!!!! for CIS release. i can't wait. i've never been to boston ever.
i also can't wait for this summer. toronto and savannah!
literature.
JD Salinger is dead. not that anyone really knows who he is anyway. but whatever. i was sad when i read about. i've been reading bukowski poetry more lately. it's a little rough at times, but the man is a genius, so yeah.
take for instance:
Bluebird
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
Monday, January 25, 2010
update
hate females.
beard long.
nose pierced.
friends awesome.
pa this weekend.
lbi 12/12.
ac/stockton weekend 12/19.
end transmission...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
SHINFO
i just realized that i haven't actually seen my dog eat in front of me in like a year, and as i'm sitting here typing this she's chompin' away.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I don’t believe in anything worth fighting for, worth dying for.
I don’t believe the clouds are hiding much more than a reason to downpour.
So what would you do if you were me?
Give up, forget, and go back to sleep.
And I believe that heaven is like her ocean eyes, deeper than mountains climb.
And I believe that hell is like watching her smile knowing she'll never be mine.
So what would you do if you were me?
Just hide your heart and go back to sleep.
So go back to sleep.
I don’t believe the clouds are hiding much more than a reason to downpour.
So what would you do if you were me?
Give up, forget, and go back to sleep.
And I believe that heaven is like her ocean eyes, deeper than mountains climb.
And I believe that hell is like watching her smile knowing she'll never be mine.
So what would you do if you were me?
Just hide your heart and go back to sleep.
So go back to sleep.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
sweet
uh.
So several things I've want to post here but haven't had the time:
I've been pretty okay recently. I've been hanging out with scott a lot recently which is awesome. I've also come to the realization that I need to be single. Or not have an extreme emotional attachment to any female. I'm trying dating, I have one Sunday. I don't think I will like this girl/have a good time. blind date-ish. oh well. I got a ticket for having an expired insurance card, $180.00. thanks bridgewater. I'm liking work a lot again. I'm feeling a lot less down. This past month has brought me closer to my friends and i'm really happy for that. I have to go court on tuesday to testify against the guy i got into the accident with. should be interesting. going to philly on the 29th for the wonder years release show, stoked for that. possibly going up to boston in may for Skate Fest 2010. stoked at the possibility. my beard is getting long and i like that. there are a lot of good things. and i refuse to dwell on the bad.
i'm in a good mood. and i have been for days. i just wish people in new jersey would drive better.
ALSO
i'm caught up on my rent. YES!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
you know what?
fuck it. i've been down for long enough. i have enough to be happy about and i better start knowing that. i have 3 of the best friends i have ever had. i mean who thought two years ago i'd ever be friends with someone who i thought i hated, but whatever. i'm so sick of being sad and i can't be forever.
seriously, as much as i want to be in love, i need to be happy first and i'm going to do that. fuck, i'm not sad anymore. and i'm not going to be.
whatever. i'm in a good mood, and i hope this lasts.
i wonder what waking up happy feels like. everyday has started out bad. i keep trying to see the positive in all of this but i keep only focusing on the negative and i just want to go back to dec 22-28. because i couldn't have been happier then. but now i just feel like shit. every morning and every night and every time i'm near a phone or a computer. or every time a commercial for paranormal activity comes on or every time i think, i think about her. and the worst part is, i can't not talk to her because that would only be worse. either way i'm fucked and this is a circle of revolving shit feeling because she was just so perfect for me. this sucks. a lot. i really thought for a minute that this was a sure thing and i was about to be the happiest i'd been in over a year, but why would it go my way? why would anything good happen to me? who really gives a shit anyway because every female i have ever let in my life has taken and used every kind thing i've done and i can't hate any of them because i am a pussy with no self conviction. what a great way to start a day.
Monday, January 4, 2010
do what you want to do.
i know you're reading this, you're not just a she. you're the she. and i guess i'm finding it difficult to think of you any other way.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
it feels like i've done nothing today
so the fact of the matter is, no matter how you slice it, this is going to suck for me.
i find a girl who i have so much in common with and is giving me the light of day and it all goes sour.
i want to suck it up, but as i sit here typing this, i know that it's going to be hard.
but i'm so sick of looking pathetic, so whatever. i know we're perfect for each other and we'll see what the future holds. but for now. it's going to take some time.
plus.
nevermind.
it's going to be rough
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
no thank you
He awoke to the stuanch, bitter air and he said to himself, "why should i ever wake up?" you can't hear your own thoughts in this city anymore and he knew it.
And I've shorted myself again, but I am no king and this is to be expected.
His first last words were something along the lines of, "if you're happy..." or "I would do anything for you" and that was his greatest downfall.
I can't breathe most days around mid-day or midnight. it's comes on randomly and with full aggression. I would work on this if I knew how but I just accept I can not change the inevitable and move on.
So he meandered through his daily routine, rarely, if ever, deviating from any motion besides the pre-thought out ones he was used to. Today is no different, he's always asked himself how he isn't dead yet.
I don't keep much to myself, in fact, I don't keep much of myself. I'm spread fairly, and unnervingly, thin. I'm worried that I'll let you down or you down or you down.
He doesn't do much besides beat himself up. Solitude isn't working for him, but nor is being social and outgoing. and if you think there is a happy medium between those lines, you're sadly mistaken my friend. He is a sick man, closet sick and destroyed from the failure of this america that has used up and sold his goodwill and best intentions for profit in a ponzi scheme where the profiteer is what could only be described as a devil in a suit and tie, or rather a devil with a pretty face.
And on days when I am this man, it is almost, no it is very, unbearable. I can hardly move. I only function on frail promises made a million years ago by someone who loved me until I hurt them and then they joined the party on the way out of my town. Someone who gave up on me when they realized that I can never be someone, anyone, worth two shits. but I am full of wisdom on these days because I can give this piece of advice. never be like me. never ever. don't even give it a thought. don't even look in my direction if you think that will greater your chances of just not wanting to be like me. in fact, don't even care about me, because you will only be let down. you will only be fucked over and you feel more hate than you've ever felt, and I am the cause, the catalyst and I will never change. only change my mask.
And I've shorted myself again, but I am no king and this is to be expected.
His first last words were something along the lines of, "if you're happy..." or "I would do anything for you" and that was his greatest downfall.
I can't breathe most days around mid-day or midnight. it's comes on randomly and with full aggression. I would work on this if I knew how but I just accept I can not change the inevitable and move on.
So he meandered through his daily routine, rarely, if ever, deviating from any motion besides the pre-thought out ones he was used to. Today is no different, he's always asked himself how he isn't dead yet.
I don't keep much to myself, in fact, I don't keep much of myself. I'm spread fairly, and unnervingly, thin. I'm worried that I'll let you down or you down or you down.
He doesn't do much besides beat himself up. Solitude isn't working for him, but nor is being social and outgoing. and if you think there is a happy medium between those lines, you're sadly mistaken my friend. He is a sick man, closet sick and destroyed from the failure of this america that has used up and sold his goodwill and best intentions for profit in a ponzi scheme where the profiteer is what could only be described as a devil in a suit and tie, or rather a devil with a pretty face.
And on days when I am this man, it is almost, no it is very, unbearable. I can hardly move. I only function on frail promises made a million years ago by someone who loved me until I hurt them and then they joined the party on the way out of my town. Someone who gave up on me when they realized that I can never be someone, anyone, worth two shits. but I am full of wisdom on these days because I can give this piece of advice. never be like me. never ever. don't even give it a thought. don't even look in my direction if you think that will greater your chances of just not wanting to be like me. in fact, don't even care about me, because you will only be let down. you will only be fucked over and you feel more hate than you've ever felt, and I am the cause, the catalyst and I will never change. only change my mask.
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