aside from that.

although 2010 started off on a weird note, it has taken a great turn and really been great to me so far.
February is going to be great:
2/12-LBI to watch scott play another noise set. partyyyyy
2/19-AC for NFG. and spending the weekend at brad's!
2/27- BOSTON!!!!! for CIS release. i can't wait. i've never been to boston ever.

i also can't wait for this summer. toronto and savannah!

literature.

JD Salinger is dead. not that anyone really knows who he is anyway. but whatever. i was sad when i read about. i've been reading bukowski poetry more lately. it's a little rough at times, but the man is a genius, so yeah.

take for instance:

Bluebird

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

update

hate females.

beard long.

nose pierced.

friends awesome.

pa this weekend.

lbi 12/12.

ac/stockton weekend 12/19.

end transmission...

SHINFO

i just realized that i haven't actually seen my dog eat in front of me in like a year, and as i'm sitting here typing this she's chompin' away.

yes!

now a member of the edison legends!

I don’t believe in anything worth fighting for, worth dying for.
I don’t believe the clouds are hiding much more than a reason to downpour.
So what would you do if you were me?
Give up, forget, and go back to sleep.

And I believe that heaven is like her ocean eyes, deeper than mountains climb.
And I believe that hell is like watching her smile knowing she'll never be mine.
So what would you do if you were me?
Just hide your heart and go back to sleep.
So go back to sleep.

sweet

uh.

So several things I've want to post here but haven't had the time:

I've been pretty okay recently. I've been hanging out with scott a lot recently which is awesome. I've also come to the realization that I need to be single. Or not have an extreme emotional attachment to any female. I'm trying dating, I have one Sunday. I don't think I will like this girl/have a good time. blind date-ish. oh well. I got a ticket for having an expired insurance card, $180.00. thanks bridgewater. I'm liking work a lot again. I'm feeling a lot less down. This past month has brought me closer to my friends and i'm really happy for that. I have to go court on tuesday to testify against the guy i got into the accident with. should be interesting. going to philly on the 29th for the wonder years release show, stoked for that. possibly going up to boston in may for Skate Fest 2010. stoked at the possibility. my beard is getting long and i like that. there are a lot of good things. and i refuse to dwell on the bad.

i'm in a good mood. and i have been for days. i just wish people in new jersey would drive better.

ALSO

i'm caught up on my rent. YES!

why would i say such horrible things and lose the best thing that's happened to me in the past year?

because i have no off switch. and i over-thought until i said the stupidest.

you know what?

fuck it. i've been down for long enough. i have enough to be happy about and i better start knowing that. i have 3 of the best friends i have ever had. i mean who thought two years ago i'd ever be friends with someone who i thought i hated, but whatever. i'm so sick of being sad and i can't be forever.

seriously, as much as i want to be in love, i need to be happy first and i'm going to do that. fuck, i'm not sad anymore. and i'm not going to be.

whatever. i'm in a good mood, and i hope this lasts.

i wonder what waking up happy feels like. everyday has started out bad. i keep trying to see the positive in all of this but i keep only focusing on the negative and i just want to go back to dec 22-28. because i couldn't have been happier then. but now i just feel like shit. every morning and every night and every time i'm near a phone or a computer. or every time a commercial for paranormal activity comes on or every time i think, i think about her. and the worst part is, i can't not talk to her because that would only be worse. either way i'm fucked and this is a circle of revolving shit feeling because she was just so perfect for me. this sucks. a lot. i really thought for a minute that this was a sure thing and i was about to be the happiest i'd been in over a year, but why would it go my way? why would anything good happen to me? who really gives a shit anyway because every female i have ever let in my life has taken and used every kind thing i've done and i can't hate any of them because i am a pussy with no self conviction. what a great way to start a day.

do what you want to do.

i'm not sure what to write here. the simple fact is that i am crazy about her no matter what. no matter who is around me, she is always on my mind. and i'm trying to accept this for what it is, but it is hard, and i made a mistake yesterday because i am a weak piece of shit and i don't want to do that again. no matter how much she tells me that she doesn't care or that i can do whatever with whoever whenever, i still know that i am an asshole.

i know you're reading this, you're not just a she. you're the she. and i guess i'm finding it difficult to think of you any other way.

i feel like i made a terrible decision. i know i don't like her.

but i still like jh. and i feel like i cheated. and i know i didn't. but i feel like i did

it feels like i've done nothing today

so the fact of the matter is, no matter how you slice it, this is going to suck for me.

i find a girl who i have so much in common with and is giving me the light of day and it all goes sour.

i want to suck it up, but as i sit here typing this, i know that it's going to be hard.

but i'm so sick of looking pathetic, so whatever. i know we're perfect for each other and we'll see what the future holds. but for now. it's going to take some time.

plus.

nevermind.

it's going to be rough

gorilla bros ftw

i think it would be better if we were both wearing gorilla biscuits shirts.

i'm not sad anymore

and i've been telling myself that non-stop

so i'll be okay

no thank you

He awoke to the stuanch, bitter air and he said to himself, "why should i ever wake up?" you can't hear your own thoughts in this city anymore and he knew it.

And I've shorted myself again, but I am no king and this is to be expected.

His first last words were something along the lines of, "if you're happy..." or "I would do anything for you" and that was his greatest downfall.

I can't breathe most days around mid-day or midnight. it's comes on randomly and with full aggression. I would work on this if I knew how but I just accept I can not change the inevitable and move on.

So he meandered through his daily routine, rarely, if ever, deviating from any motion besides the pre-thought out ones he was used to. Today is no different, he's always asked himself how he isn't dead yet.

I don't keep much to myself, in fact, I don't keep much of myself. I'm spread fairly, and unnervingly, thin. I'm worried that I'll let you down or you down or you down.

He doesn't do much besides beat himself up. Solitude isn't working for him, but nor is being social and outgoing. and if you think there is a happy medium between those lines, you're sadly mistaken my friend. He is a sick man, closet sick and destroyed from the failure of this america that has used up and sold his goodwill and best intentions for profit in a ponzi scheme where the profiteer is what could only be described as a devil in a suit and tie, or rather a devil with a pretty face.

And on days when I am this man, it is almost, no it is very, unbearable. I can hardly move. I only function on frail promises made a million years ago by someone who loved me until I hurt them and then they joined the party on the way out of my town. Someone who gave up on me when they realized that I can never be someone, anyone, worth two shits. but I am full of wisdom on these days because I can give this piece of advice. never be like me. never ever. don't even give it a thought. don't even look in my direction if you think that will greater your chances of just not wanting to be like me. in fact, don't even care about me, because you will only be let down. you will only be fucked over and you feel more hate than you've ever felt, and I am the cause, the catalyst and I will never change. only change my mask.