in listening to dan mangan

positivity
something I've always been a huge advocate for. i would always preach a positive lifestyle and found much in phrases like, "head above water." But i realized something huge today, or yesterday maybe. every time i decided I'm not going to care, I'm going to let go and be positive, everything goes wrong. that's what happened here. i was on the "I'm not sad anymore" kick. and it was working. i was finally feeling like i cleared a huge hurdle in my life and i was getting, although a bit wobbly, back on my feet. I woke up everyday in such a good mood. such a good mood. nothing could get to me, nothing.
In this positivity kick, something amazing happened. A girl i liked began talking to me, as juvenile as that soundsm and things weren't great but they were certainly good. i had money saved up and girl to take out and i woke up everyday with a smile on my face.
At first this girl was just a friend and that's what i saw her as. but as erin had warned me, it became more and everytime she would send me a text, i would get really excited. I took this girl out for the first time the night before thanksgiving to the movies and it ended up being a disaster. a good one. and it progressed from there. but this is where my luck would turn, because as fate would have it, i'm not allowed to stay happy for any decent amount of time. Thursday, thanksgiving, on my way to my mom's for thanksgiving i got into an accident, a semi-bad one, but my car was still driveable (with duct tape to hold the airbags in). This was the beginning.
The girl and i texted each other a lot that weekend and i even got to hang out with her on monday and tuesday and weds and friday and saturday and sunday and monday again. but in this time, she broke up with her boyfriend (oh yes, this one had a boyfriend too) got back with him was on the fence and i was in the middle. but i stuck with it, because she was amazing, and worth this craziness.
then this morning happened.
today i woke up in a terrible mood. and i said to myself, "today is going to be a terrible day." but i hoped for a win, something to boost me up. that boost didn't come, but rather a text from her boyfriend. and thus i am here. once again where i was in the past year many a times before. fucking depressed and annoyed and i just want to be with my friends until i die. i don't want to be alone in my room where all i fucking do is think and write and write and think and not make sense and talk in circles. and I FUCKING HATE BEING THIS PATHETIC. i hate how this stupid, petty, childish bullshit eats me up every FUCKING time it happens. and it always happens.

so fuck it, i really don't give a shit anymore. i'm getting out of shit jersey if it's the last thing i do. destination anywhere, anywhere at all. you all don't owe me anything and i own you nothing. it's like everything i touch now-a-days falls to fucking pieces, so i honestly don't care anymore.


i'm sure i'll think of something else once i am past this post and i'll come back and add it on. not that anyone really gives a shit anyway.