do you believe in fate?

what a corny fucking title to this..
I haven't written anything of any lasting value for awhile and it makes this already pointless blog feel a bit empty, right?
While this post is fueled by the fact that I just re-watched the movie (500) Days of Summer, I feel that message I'm trying to convey will be clear.

I am a hopeless romantic. That sounds really cool right, like in the movies, where a guy runs after a girl as her bus is leaving, shit like that. It isn't cool, not at all. Because where any "bro" can meet a girl, hook-up with her and then never talk to her again, I have never done that and don't see it happening anytime in the near future. I fall for every girl I kiss, any girl who shows the least bit of interest in me.
PRELUDE
In my case, let's start with the first girl I ever made out with. Emily. I was 14(turning 15 in a month), and we were on a cruise to Canada. I had a crush on this girl from the moment I saw her walk past in the buffet(why the fuck do I remember this clearly!?).I spent the week on the cruise chasing her, subtly, while I was sure she liked this other guy there. Then the last night of the cruise it was 3 am and we were still out, sitting on some couch in one the lounge areas and she learned over and we kissed. It was amazing, although the kiss itself is a blur as it happened almost 8 years ago and it was 3 am at the time. But that's not the end of this story at all.

We exchanged e-mails(Gen X, it's what we did). She sent me an e-mail saying how much she liked me and how she wanted to hang out asap, but I lived central NJ and she lived in upstate NY and we had about 2 years before we were able to drive. Regardless, we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I would break rules and give her long distances calls and spend all my mom's money on these calls.

2 weeks later:(again, my memory is too vivid)
Vacation number two for the summer. We went to some resort in Virginia for my step-dad's friend's retirement party(?). This was going to be the worst, but it fell on my birthday so I was cool with it. The place was pretty great, the cabin was awesome, the resort had a skatepark(who could ask for more?), but as far as human interaction, the pickens were slim.
The third night there was the guy's retirement dinner. While I sat at this round table in this banquet hall with old people I've never met, a girl walked in. She was stunning, the kind of girl that in any normal situation, would never talk to a 15(that day was my birthday, talk about a birthday present, but don't worry, we'll get there) year old skateboarder who looked as though he never bathed. So I sat in awe and admired from afar.
After the dinner was over, I went outside and put on my headphones(system of a down, gnarly) and read(lookin sophisticated) and continued to admire. I looked down at my book for a minute and then looked back up and she was standing in front of me (as was an excessively overweight friend who didn't realize her weight, i also can't remember her name).
While I don't quite the exact conversational details, I remember being invited to her room, to go in her hot tub. I told my mother of this interaction and the invitation and she was more than enthused to drive me to this rendevous. Being my nervous self, I did not bring a bathing suit.
When I got there, I knocked on the door and she opened it, my hear was pounding. The fat friend was sitting on the couch and math work was laid out across the coffee table(she had been doing homework). She asked why I hadn't brought my bathing suit, I told her I totally forgot, so we proceeded to play board games. After sometime, the fat friend made this suggestion:
"Let's play truth or dare!"
I don't remember much of the game, except the very end of that game, where Kate turned to her little cousin (who I guess she was watching), who was sitting at the kitchen table behind us, and said, "don't tell anyone!" and then turned back to me and, on the dare, kissed me, probably one of the best kisses I've had to date and that was the catalyst. For the next week, we hung out each day and kissed a lot.
On our last night together, things almost went to the next level if it hadn't been for some intrusive parents (and the fact the we were 15 and 13 years old respectively), but she gave me her number and convinced me that we were still going to see each other (after all, she lived in NJ).
When I was home, I told my best friend at the time, Kevin, that I was in love. I scarcely talked to Emily anymore.I even made it into Kate's AOL profile.
This great feeling was short lived. Roughly a week later, I was removed from Kate's profile and replaced by another boy's name(probably tall and dark and handsome not short and weird and dirty). I imed her and asked her what the deal was and she told me flat out that I was just a hook-up, a summer fling(She was 2 years younger than me and understood the art of the hook-up more than I did, or ever will for that matter).And that was that.
STORYLINESUCKS
Now you are probably what the point of that prelude was, besides complete shinfo. I wanted to prove that love always takes shotgun in relationships with me. I never meet a girl and think, "oh man, I plan on fucking the shit out of her and then never talk to her again." I fall in love and then let it engulf me. After my great summer of unintentional hooking up, I met and Danielle and dated her for 2 years and I'm pretty sure I loved her (although since me, it seems like she has a new boyfriend every week). Then after Danielle, I really didn't have anyone I was truly in love with until Cait. I mean, in a way, I'm still getting over Cait. She was a huge part of my 22 years on this earth. And I screwed up and she's over me and that's okay. I understand that, but she'll always have a part of me. These two cases prove that I don't just jump from relationship to relationship.
But I made the exact same mistake that led towards the end of both of the relationships. In fact, if you compare side by side the two endings, they're almost a mirror image.
With Danielle, it was Cait(a different Cait than the one I loved) and with Cait, it was Ilyssa. Now I would never cheat, I don't have the balls, but I liked to flirt and these two girls (Cait2 and Ilyssa) would flirt back. I guess I needed to be reassured that I still "had it". Even when I was blessed with a great relationship. And I was fucking terrible at concealing my misdeeds(not that my lack of skill in concealing my short-comings makes them excusable) and I was found out both times and for both Danielle and Cait, that was the last straw. And for both, the break up was rough and a lot of yelling and a lot of "never talking to you again"(and one "i'm really not talking to you again and the law says so").
This is all over the place right now, but the point of it is that since the demise of Cait and I, I've been looking for an adequate replacement for that job. Not some girl to just date, but some girl to be in love with. Which leads me to part 3 in the saga:

whatthefuckiswrongwithme?

For my regular readers(HAHA), you will know most of this part since is chronicled throughout this blog. but I will go into a bit more depth or not...either way read on.

1. Courtney
My first venture beyond Cait. She was 18 and acted 18. She got drunk and did drugs and fucked guys and didn't read much and listened to country music. BUT her grammar was impeccable and her personality was addictive. I began to shower more, I lost weight, I dressed nicer. She liked me, I liked her. But she had a boyfriend in boot camp and I knew in the back of my mind that this was going nowhere, but I loved spending time with her. She was cute, she could hold a conversation and she made me smile.
But I expect too much and got too offended when it all didn't go my way. But that was only round 1 of 3 for the year of 2009.

2. Amanda
This is round two and was an act of desperation. Not only did she not fit my physical standards, but she didn't fit my intellectual standards either. But in a haste, I asked her out and she began sleeping over every night. And it didn't take long for me to realize that she was not for me, but too be fairly honest, I'd never broken up with anyone before so I did not know what to do. So I let it drag on for a month (we dated for roughly a month and a half).
She was supposed to go to my cousin Ryan's wedding with me in the beginning of September, but I couldn't let it drag that far, I didn't want her there, she wasn't for me at all. So I did a really dick thing and broke up with her via text. It's not that she didn't try or she didn't the best she could, but it would have never been good enough for me.

one more to go and I think the most crucial on the year.

3. Jackie
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. I had always thought she was cute. So one day, I added her on facebook. She had a boyfriend, but whatever. I started commenting on her shit and eventually facebook iming. Which eventually turned into texting. Which eventually turned into me coaxing her into going to the movies with me.
She was smart and cute and read books and listened to good music and could have a conversation with me and on top of it all, she was shorter than me! What else could I want?
We hung out and we went places and we just drove and she went to Wisconsin and she said she was going to break up with her boyfriend and she said she wanted me and she missed me and she said a lot. and I fell for her.
When we held hands, I felt like I didn't have heart in my body because it had floated so high in the sky. We kissed and it was at an awkward time but it was great. And that's where things got complicated.
The boyfriend didn't take the break up the way she had thought and he actually made an effort to change and I became neurotic and crazy and pushed her away and slowly she didn't want to be with me. She didn't want to see me. and more recently not talk to me.

and there it was, I sabotaged what was going to be great. and this is where love leaves me now. It started out as a 14 year old punk with no experience and it has brought me to a 22 year old punk with too much time to think and not enough time to not think.
And while I've been content with life recently, I'm not going to say that I don't want to be in love again. I mean by 3 best friends are all in relationships(two with each other!) and I'm the odd man out. But I think I've give up searching because what's the point? If something falls into my lap, then great, but I'm not going to worry myself to the point of driving myself crazy anymore.
And this is where the whole fate thing comes into play. I truly believe that there is one person out there for me. It's not Emily or Kate or Danielle or Cait or Cait or Ilyssa or Courtney or Amanda or Jackie(if it was anyone of them, would things have gone the way the did, but who knows?). Maybe it's someone I've never met or someone I don't realize. But, my time will come and why can't I enjoy life in the mean time?
What's the point of being sad all the time?
none.
Things can get me down, but I refuse to stay there, I always get back on my feet.


I know this blog has focused mostly on the trials and tribulations of my love life and I'm sure it usually will, but that's who I am. I'm a romantic. and It's a curse I'm learning to accept, as fucking stupid as that sounds. So I really don't where to go from here, so I guess I'll just see what the future brings.

whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere