the long trail home

so originally i was going to post on how i was going to this famed vermont trail, and i guess in a sense i am still touching on that subject. I just wish it was happening now, that it was july now. that i could escape to somewhere where there isn't a cell phone, or a facebook, or a girl that drives me crazy, sometimes good, sometimes bad. i just want to be hiking somewhere, lost in the woods of vermont, eating berries and not having to deal with the bullshit of everyday life.

i'm really not sad anymore. i'm not. i'm so sick and tired of this death trap of a state. no matter where i go i can't escape all the past bullshit that i've got. i'm not sad, just agitated. just annoyed with humans as a whole. just sick of people who just don't care. it makes me realize that having 2 good friends and only caring about myself and them is all i really need. brad and i don't have to talk about the bullshit in my life. we just joke about stupid shit and are rarely serious about anything and i always feel better about life whenever i hang out with him. and erin is so level-headed and evens me out. and i could talk to her about anything and she'll always have insight, even if i don't listen to her advice. i really see that it's not worth it to embrace everyone, because most people will just take advantage of your kindness and use you and then just throw you away.

it would be easy to just not care and exclude people. and i really want to be that misanthropic person, but once i let someone in, once i put myself out there, it's not that easy not to care. i've never thought of myself as a caring person and i can be quite selfish at times, but i've always found it hard to hurt people and not feel bad. which sucks, i hate it. because i have the capacity to hurt someone and not give it an afterthought when i do it, but when it sinks in what i've done, i never let it go and a piece of me stays in the fuck-up forever. and i've had so many fuck-ups, that there's not much of me left. i've hurt a million people. my parents, my ex, my friends, my brother, my sister, various other family members. i just want to go back in time and get good grades and not disappoint everyone and not fuck up my own life and thereby not fuck up anyone's life who cares about me.

I want to go back to being a kid and not having a worry in the world. but even then i would have to go back to be like 4.

"cause i'm stuck here wide awake
in the wake of bad news
we know now what's at stake
and i'm scared too.
and you know i can't take naps cause
they end in panic attacks,
i can't play video games,
i always end up depressed.
i can't be left alone now
for even a second
i'm a burden
but at least i know it."