The Writings of Ran Tatter

2011-11-02T16:37:00.002-04:00

I know this is late,
I just spent so much time pining,
trying to figure out
what I did,
how it all happened.

I found girls to
fill the void,
the hole you left in my life,
but mainly I just wanted someone to fuck.
because I didn't feel anything
from anyone.

and you did the same thing.
and you fucked others.
and you got drunk.
and you moved on.

I stayed sad for a long time.
and I hate who I was for a long time.
I was ashamed of myself.

I still feel like shit sometimes,
when I think of it all.
But I'm sad that I let myself,
be so sad.

Because you can
go fuck yourself.
literally,
because I realized that,
while being your acrobat,
I forgot to be
my crutch.

so,
while you continue to
fake relationships,
I'm in search for
something honest.

and my quiet voice is becoming loud.
and it scares the hell out of me,
that your ghost no longer haunts me.

get a new job.

I'M MOVING...this blog

2010-06-20T00:36:00.003-04:00

check out rantatter.tumblr.com

I'M MOVING...this blog

2010-06-20T00:36:00.001-04:00

maybe

2010-06-17T01:43:00.001-04:00

i'm going to move to tumblr because i want to post music on here but blogspot is suxing

a collection i guess. some of these are kinda corny and there's some grammatical errors

2010-06-06T21:19:00.004-04:00

news
today, i was watching the news
and there was child on there
i think he went to some public school in new york city
and he couldn't form a sentence properly
but the school he went to was receiving an award for excellence
in education
and i thought to myself,
"maybe it's time to shave my beard."
but i opted to keep it.
fuck it.

Living Well Is The Best Revenge
1.
You try to stick knives in me
in my sides or back
but your stabs continue to miss
and become quite annoying
but i don't stab back,
i don't care enough anymore.
With the distance growing between us,
the happiness inside me grows.
the confidence you stripped me of returns
the manhood you stole from me reappears
my own voice is once again loud and important.
I'm not a new person, I'm an old person who had missing
for so long that people forgot he had ever been there,
some people never even knew him.
You were truly incarnate of the type of person
I can respect but never want to be.
so they say living well is the best revenge.

so I can say, I'm happy.

2
Terrorism

Moments before the bomb explodes
before American life becomes a memory
before we all succumb to the evils of the world
we will find each other standing there
Part of us will recognize each other,
and want to save us
but instead we move on
without a motion or a word.

Cone
I walk a thin line
and its getting harder and harder not to fall
the price to pay is getting higher
and I'm not sure if I can handle it

This has been my life
but how long does it have to take?
I want to make you smile
to be proud

So I take the long road laid out before me
with the best smile I can make
but I'm still scared,
I'm just letting you know...

the thousand mile fire
The miles ahead seemed infinate
the once golden/blue sky is now cloudy
the sun hasn't been out in days
and we fear that we will freeze
we fear we will starve
we fear the motives of others

We were all young once
some more so than others,
but now we are all grown up
no one wants to be this way
we want the clouds to be gone
we want to go to beaches and theme parks
we want to play baseball and basketball
we want to ride our skateboards around
we just want our lives back.

Some moved
some stayed put
but it doesn't matter much anymore
nobody counts age from 1 up and more.
life, age, birthdays, they are all a count down.
What is positivity?

We just want our lives back

A Short Glance

i've speant the last few nights up later than usual
a basic over-analyzation of the words
or the few short moments of silence
so here i lay.
early in the morning or late at night
however you would like to look at it
tv on mute, music on loud
pouring my heart into a few short words
a three hour thought process
turned into a few short lines
and every thought consists of you and i
good and bad
young and old
everything in between moment with every thats makes it worth everything
and yet i still lay, i am still writting.
and the world can keep its empty hearts.

cause i want to call this our bed.
but i can't even call this apartment my home
when i fall asleep, i really meet you at our spot,
but sometimes you dont show...
should i give up?
i hope you say no

things will get better if you give it time.
things will get better if i give it time.
things will get better.

my collection
1.
the last thing that she said to me was:
"you'll always mean nothing"
and these words packed a punch
i didn't quite expect
this exit wound
this unholy hole

2.
i'd much rather sit
and watch the planes land
than watch them take off
because watching them take off means
people are leaving.
it reminds me of the sting
of the death of my grandparents
or how i felt as i watched my dad
as he left New Jersey for good
or how every fight we have
she leaves
it reminds me of how imperfect everyone and everything is.
i want change.
so much so that i will give myself for something else.

3.
there are songs that still give me goosebumps.
but sometimes i wonder if it is because it is cold.

4.
Nothing.
at the start of the world there was nothing.
my theories say otherwise, but for the sake of this passage
there was nothing.
Life.
from this "nothing", life was created.
Aside from the trees and grass and all the wonderful vegitation,
there was a man and woman.
they coexisted with their environment.
but a darkness lived in this eutopia.
Evil.
There was large tree in the center of this beautiful place.
growing from this tree a fruit.
many theorize that this fruit contained the knowledge and power
of God.
but this fruit was forbidden.
Deceit.
one day, the woman led the man to the tree
"Eat the fruit," she said.
he was reluctant, but she finally convinced him that nothing will happen.
he ate the fruit.
as soon as he took the final bite,
and force came down from the heavens.
A voice.
without words, the man was banished from the garden, the beautiful place.
the woman was now content.

this is true in life.
there is no eutopia.
there is nothing, then life(for a short time of course), then evil, and finally deceit

5.
This Morning
isnt it wonderful
this morning
isnt it horrible
this morning
aren't we lost?

6.
Now that we've worn our masks
we're all out of ideas
so i guess this is a note to surrender
to say goodbye to what?
our eyes

7.
im hoping that this is all sign
that everything will be alright
that you and i
are two angels
holding hands, lightly kissing
i'm hoping that this isnt a sign
that we are going to tear each other apart
ripping limbs, eating the spare pieces
i hope we love

8.
i am running
not to get somewhere
not to get fit
not to be someone you want me to be
i am running

9. these wires,
only good to electrify
and illuminate
the goodnight kisses
and last goodbyes
for curatin calls
and the breaking of best friends
we walk in circles

10. in the spots our hearts were in
there are cars
and planes fly over our souls
we sold our bodies
for parking spots

11.no
never
not now
for god
for he isnt showing

12. the past is still here
lingering
in the darkest shadows
and we will hug again
but smiling is forbidden

i live on dix street

2010-05-29T18:21:00.001-04:00

we called the house "Little Richard's" get it?

i keep making new friends and doing new things. i love life.

goodbye 17 comstock

2010-05-21T16:31:00.004-04:00

i'm a week away from moving into a new house. i've lived at 17 comstock street since jan. 2007, so for 3 and 1/2 years.

today, i'm cleaning out most of the stuff i haven't touched since before i moved into the house. i was cleaning out my desk drawers when i came across everything from my relationship with cait that i had tucked away and forgotten about. it's now been 2 years since we've been broken up and it still feels like it was yesterday. i've been happy a lot recently, but i always miss her, and having my two best friends go through what they're going through now reminds me of the end and makes me despressed. I found the movie ticket from the night i asked cait out.the hills have eyes, friday 3/10/2006 at 8:20 pm. theater 17. i found the card cait gave me for my 21st birthday. these things among other stuff from 2 years ago made me cry for the first time in along time. i know, it's an old story, but i still miss her, or what we had, even though i know i'm never getting her back. i had something great and i thought that it wasn't good enough.

i don't know if i'm over her. i don't know if i will be. but past the melodrama, i just wish i knew what to do to not think about her anymore. because even if i throw everything away, even if i move to a different state, even after seeing a therapist, i still feel like i will still miss her.

and there have been girls since, but when i'm with them, i want to be with her, or i want things to be how they were with her.

i'm seriously surprised i don't drink.

oh well.

"most nights i just throw a movie in the vcr
and fall asleep on the couch and wake up tired
i try not to miss you
but i don't try very hard"

eight letters

2010-05-15T08:56:00.000-04:00

The first letter I wrote you was way too long
Way too crazy, way too scary, way too sad
The second one I wrote you was way too short
Just said, "I love you, baby. Please come back."
The third one that I wrote you was right down the middle
Somehow it didn't quite sum it all up.
The fourth one that I wrote you, I did the best that I could do
We both know that was never enough.

I had nothing nice to say,
I said it anyway.
Somehow it made me feel better.
Oh, but in the end, I guess,
It was probably for the best
That I never sent you those letters.

The fifth one that I wrote you was one big, long joke
You probably wouldn't think was very funny
The sixth one that I wrote you was a strictly business note
Requesting you pay me back that last two months rent money
The seventh one was magic, it was totally romantic
it would have made your little boxer shorts melt
But the eighth time that I tried, I swear I couldn't even write.
I just curled up and cried all by myself

I had nothing nice to say,
I said it anyway.
Somehow it made me feel better.
Oh, but in the end, I guess,
it was probably for the best
That I never sent you those letters.

NEED ROOMMATES!

2010-04-27T19:56:00.002-04:00

so here's the deal!
I FOUND A SWEET HOUSE. the house is beautiful. there are six rooms.
3 have been claimed, so there are 3 available
two doubles and a single
the doubles are 540 a month
and the single is 450 a month.
here is the craigslist listing: http://cnj.craigslist.org/apa/1708702116.html

the landlord is super nice and very accommodating. the security deposit is a month and a half rent. so for the doubles it'd be 810 upon signing of the lease and for the single it's be 675. the thing is we want to sign by THIS SATURDAY MAY 1! if you are interested or you know anyone who wants to live in new brunswick, send me a message on facebook or myspace. and please spread the word!

2010-04-22T10:26:00.002-04:00

the fact that my two best friends just broke up with each other kind of makes me really sad.

a list why this girl is a good prospect

2010-04-05T00:59:00.002-04:00

1. she's super cute
2. she's really smart
3. she's straight edge/vegan
4. she has impeccable grammar
5. she's currently single
6. she's the same age as me
7. she's super cute
8. she's nice
9. she's fun to be around
10. i could go on and on.

i have my fingers crossed here.

sat-UH-dazed

2010-03-20T13:38:00.002-04:00

last night scott and i ended up in ac and i ended up $100 dollars down. all is good. it was a good time. we filmed. it should be up soon! sike episode 2.

and i got Princess a bigger crate the other day and now she can lay out in it as apposed to the other one where she couldn't even turn around. she's in awe. and she loves. she'll just go in there and chill rather than laying on the bed.

also i'm currently in search for a new place to live in june. hopefully somewhere cheaper and more downtown. i'm looking.

now enough of this, i'm going outside, it's sunny and 70 degrees. SPRING DAY ONE! COUNTDOWN TO SUMMERRRRRRR!

DEXTER

2010-03-16T12:43:00.000-04:00

i am hooked. that is all

sat-turd-ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2010-03-13T08:29:00.000-05:00

last night went off without problem. this week should go quickly. Brad is home on break and John Bradley is too. Scott and I are recording vocals for Beer Friends sometime this week. I'm just waiting until april 5th! I can not wait for washington DC! I love that place so much.

finally going back!

2010-03-08T10:13:00.002-05:00

i booked my train ticket today! 4/5! 4 days! and then i'm going back in june!

2010-03-06T17:19:00.001-05:00

it sucks when two of your best friends are in a relationship with each other and it's their anniversary. It causes your Saturdays to be pretty boring.

check out my other blog/ i'm sick again/Recordz

2010-03-01T15:42:00.004-05:00

first off, i started a new blog with scott about juggalo sightings because i have an unhealthy obsession with these ninjas. go check it out! http://lookatthatfuckingjuggalo.blogspot.com/

so what's good with being sick with the same thing 3 times in 4 months? not a fucking thing. it sucks, but i went on a vinyl spree and added many to my collection over the past month.
Here they are:
7in:
Tim Barry - Live at Munford Elementary
Teenage Cool Kids - Speaking in Tounges/Crucial Talk single
Mike Hale/Joey Cape - Covers Split
Desert City Soundtrack/ The Rum Diary - Split
Get Rad/Smashin' Off! - Split
Positive Noise - No Hardcore EP
Bailout! - EP
Stressed Out/Rip It Up - Split
Get Rad/Protestant - Split
The Measure [sa]/The Ergs! - Split
Small Brown Bike - Composite, Volume One
Choose X - Our Life (this band is some crazy European XXX band)
These Arms Are Snakes/ All The Saints - split
Grabass Charlestons/ The Ergs! - Split
Sinking Ships - Ten
Get Rad/ Call Me Lightning - Split
Minor Threat - First Demo Tape
10in:
Chuck Ragan with Jon Gaunt and Friends - The Daytrotter Sessions
12in:
Russian Circles/These Arms Are Snakes - Split
Polar Bear Club - The Redder, The Better
Sugarhill Gang - Rapper's Delight single
Transistor Transistor - Erase All Names and Likeness Double LP
Hall & Oates - Big Bam Boom
7 Seconds - The Crew
Trick Daddy - Shut Up single
Queen Latifah - Come Into My House Single
Doctor Ice - The Mic Stalker
Richard Pryor - Holy Smoke!
Squeeze - Babylon and On (got this for a dollar!)
Crime In Stereo - Selective Wreckage
Miles Davis - The Man With The Horn
Fat Wreck Chords - Survival Of The Fattest COMP
Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks Single
The Wonder Years - The Upsides

sat-er-gai

2010-02-27T11:58:00.002-05:00

so i had to get my windshield wipers fixed. only $38 bucks. not bad. thought it would be worse.

want to get tattooed again. but i won't.

also, it is official. i am addicted:

Dear Snow,

2010-02-26T16:46:00.002-05:00

I HATE YOU.
thanks for ruining my first ever trip to Boston and my weekend in general. I officially hate winter.

love,
ran

something some stuff

2010-02-25T12:14:00.002-05:00

so i am sick yet again. sore throat, stuffy nose, achey. it's awesome. luckily i have off today because of the snow! so i'm resting and hoping that i'm okay for tomorrow. So the plans for tomorrow are Cody and Brad are coming to pick me up and we're heading up to New Hampshire (or New Hamster as one of the kids at work called it the other day) and spending Friday night there. Then we're shipping down to Boston in the AM to see Crime In Stereo, Defeater, Blacklisted, and Make Do and Mend! I'm super stoked.
Also I've been listening to this band called CLOUDKICKER a lot recently, they're an awesome instrumental band from ohio, if you get the chance, check them out @ . So uh, yeah. hopefully this weekend goes on without a hitch. keep your fingers crossed!

February

2010-02-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

life has been good to me so far this year

2010-02-15T11:06:00.000-05:00

why do i never seem to learn that love is wrong and girls are fucking evil
i guess i'll never figure out what woman-kind is all about

for valentines day

2010-02-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

i got a new board! and i'm actually going to use it since i'll have someone to start skating with me again!

things making me sad

2010-02-12T23:46:00.002-05:00

my life has been pretty awesome, but i had a talk with scott tonight about some serious things and it made me realize that some sad things are happening...for starters, this is my second valentines day alone. even though i went out last year it didn't mean a thing and i was truly alone anyone. i hate the feeling, i love valentines day, but not alone. my best friends are hitting a rough patch in their relationship and that makes me sad because it reminds me of me and cait at the end of that, and i don't want that to happen to anyone.(in the way that i acted or she acted). idk. it makes me sad how i used to be such good friends with dave and now we don't even talk. humans are so flawed, how can we stand each other's company for more than a mintue?

snow day 2

2010-02-10T13:41:00.004-05:00

so it's supposed to snow 18 inches by tomorrow afternoon, but do i ever stay off the roads!?!? no way!!! beer friends practice tonight for our friday night show.

my beard is growing! i'm not sure when i'll shave but this is what it looks like now:

the dogs have been in and out of the house today enjoying the snow. they're loving it! me not so much. I wish it would just be spring or summer already. here're a few photos from this morning:

i really can't wait for the next three weekends! especially my first trip to Boston ever!! good things!

more vocals in the monitor-the ergs

2010-02-08T10:00:00.001-05:00

Shit was so much easier
Before you came around.
Before you changed things for the worse.
Before all these empty kisses,
Sorrows that I drown.
Who knew love was such a curse?

Shit was so much easier
Before the night that I first kissed you
Before i fell in love with you.

You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this old broken heart no.
No more.

Shit was so much easier
Before the night we met
Before you broke my fucking heart in two.
Shit was so much easier
Before you told me all those white lies.
Now what's a fool supposed to do?

Shit was so much easier
Before the night that I first kissed you
Before i fell in love with you.

You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this no more.
You won't be needing this old broken heart no more.
No more.
No more.
No more.

that being said. i'm glad you're stupid. you deserve it!

super bowl sunday

2010-02-07T15:37:00.006-05:00

so I am currently watching the puppy bowl and looking at cute overload and maybe taking a nap. so far it's been a good day.

Besides that, Beer Friends, the musical project Scott and I thought up sometime last week has our first show on Friday! We'll have our songs recorded and t-shirts made. amazing how things come together. you can listen to some songs here: http://www.drop.io/brfrndzzz

most of the songs are only instrumental but one has scott on vocals. we're recording sometime before the show so we can hand out some CDs.

besides that!
i really wish i had a winter jacket! i should have asked for one for christmas, because wearing a windbreaker isn't helping! I looked for one in NYC yesterday but to no avail. I'm seriously excited for the next 3 weekends, it's going to be sooooo good. good moods all around!

also, someone find me skinny jeans that stretch that have a 28 length plz.

do you believe in fate?

2010-02-06T08:36:00.002-05:00

what a corny fucking title to this..
I haven't written anything of any lasting value for awhile and it makes this already pointless blog feel a bit empty, right?
While this post is fueled by the fact that I just re-watched the movie (500) Days of Summer, I feel that message I'm trying to convey will be clear.

I am a hopeless romantic. That sounds really cool right, like in the movies, where a guy runs after a girl as her bus is leaving, shit like that. It isn't cool, not at all. Because where any "bro" can meet a girl, hook-up with her and then never talk to her again, I have never done that and don't see it happening anytime in the near future. I fall for every girl I kiss, any girl who shows the least bit of interest in me.
PRELUDE
In my case, let's start with the first girl I ever made out with. Emily. I was 14(turning 15 in a month), and we were on a cruise to Canada. I had a crush on this girl from the moment I saw her walk past in the buffet(why the fuck do I remember this clearly!?).I spent the week on the cruise chasing her, subtly, while I was sure she liked this other guy there. Then the last night of the cruise it was 3 am and we were still out, sitting on some couch in one the lounge areas and she learned over and we kissed. It was amazing, although the kiss itself is a blur as it happened almost 8 years ago and it was 3 am at the time. But that's not the end of this story at all.

We exchanged e-mails(Gen X, it's what we did). She sent me an e-mail saying how much she liked me and how she wanted to hang out asap, but I lived central NJ and she lived in upstate NY and we had about 2 years before we were able to drive. Regardless, we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I would break rules and give her long distances calls and spend all my mom's money on these calls.

2 weeks later:(again, my memory is too vivid)
Vacation number two for the summer. We went to some resort in Virginia for my step-dad's friend's retirement party(?). This was going to be the worst, but it fell on my birthday so I was cool with it. The place was pretty great, the cabin was awesome, the resort had a skatepark(who could ask for more?), but as far as human interaction, the pickens were slim.
The third night there was the guy's retirement dinner. While I sat at this round table in this banquet hall with old people I've never met, a girl walked in. She was stunning, the kind of girl that in any normal situation, would never talk to a 15(that day was my birthday, talk about a birthday present, but don't worry, we'll get there) year old skateboarder who looked as though he never bathed. So I sat in awe and admired from afar.
After the dinner was over, I went outside and put on my headphones(system of a down, gnarly) and read(lookin sophisticated) and continued to admire. I looked down at my book for a minute and then looked back up and she was standing in front of me (as was an excessively overweight friend who didn't realize her weight, i also can't remember her name).
While I don't quite the exact conversational details, I remember being invited to her room, to go in her hot tub. I told my mother of this interaction and the invitation and she was more than enthused to drive me to this rendevous. Being my nervous self, I did not bring a bathing suit.
When I got there, I knocked on the door and she opened it, my hear was pounding. The fat friend was sitting on the couch and math work was laid out across the coffee table(she had been doing homework). She asked why I hadn't brought my bathing suit, I told her I totally forgot, so we proceeded to play board games. After sometime, the fat friend made this suggestion:
"Let's play truth or dare!"
I don't remember much of the game, except the very end of that game, where Kate turned to her little cousin (who I guess she was watching), who was sitting at the kitchen table behind us, and said, "don't tell anyone!" and then turned back to me and, on the dare, kissed me, probably one of the best kisses I've had to date and that was the catalyst. For the next week, we hung out each day and kissed a lot.
On our last night together, things almost went to the next level if it hadn't been for some intrusive parents (and the fact the we were 15 and 13 years old respectively), but she gave me her number and convinced me that we were still going to see each other (after all, she lived in NJ).
When I was home, I told my best friend at the time, Kevin, that I was in love. I scarcely talked to Emily anymore.I even made it into Kate's AOL profile.
This great feeling was short lived. Roughly a week later, I was removed from Kate's profile and replaced by another boy's name(probably tall and dark and handsome not short and weird and dirty). I imed her and asked her what the deal was and she told me flat out that I was just a hook-up, a summer fling(She was 2 years younger than me and understood the art of the hook-up more than I did, or ever will for that matter).And that was that.
STORYLINESUCKS
Now you are probably what the point of that prelude was, besides complete shinfo. I wanted to prove that love always takes shotgun in relationships with me. I never meet a girl and think, "oh man, I plan on fucking the shit out of her and then never talk to her again." I fall in love and then let it engulf me. After my great summer of unintentional hooking up, I met and Danielle and dated her for 2 years and I'm pretty sure I loved her (although since me, it seems like she has a new boyfriend every week). Then after Danielle, I really didn't have anyone I was truly in love with until Cait. I mean, in a way, I'm still getting over Cait. She was a huge part of my 22 years on this earth. And I screwed up and she's over me and that's okay. I understand that, but she'll always have a part of me. These two cases prove that I don't just jump from relationship to relationship.
But I made the exact same mistake that led towards the end of both of the relationships. In fact, if you compare side by side the two endings, they're almost a mirror image.
With Danielle, it was Cait(a different Cait than the one I loved) and with Cait, it was Ilyssa. Now I would never cheat, I don't have the balls, but I liked to flirt and these two girls (Cait2 and Ilyssa) would flirt back. I guess I needed to be reassured that I still "had it". Even when I was blessed with a great relationship. And I was fucking terrible at concealing my misdeeds(not that my lack of skill in concealing my short-comings makes them excusable) and I was found out both times and for both Danielle and Cait, that was the last straw. And for both, the break up was rough and a lot of yelling and a lot of "never talking to you again"(and one "i'm really not talking to you again and the law says so").
This is all over the place right now, but the point of it is that since the demise of Cait and I, I've been looking for an adequate replacement for that job. Not some girl to just date, but some girl to be in love with. Which leads me to part 3 in the saga:

whatthefuckiswrongwithme?

For my regular readers(HAHA), you will know most of this part since is chronicled throughout this blog. but I will go into a bit more depth or not...either way read on.

1. Courtney
My first venture beyond Cait. She was 18 and acted 18. She got drunk and did drugs and fucked guys and didn't read much and listened to country music. BUT her grammar was impeccable and her personality was addictive. I began to shower more, I lost weight, I dressed nicer. She liked me, I liked her. But she had a boyfriend in boot camp and I knew in the back of my mind that this was going nowhere, but I loved spending time with her. She was cute, she could hold a conversation and she made me smile.
But I expect too much and got too offended when it all didn't go my way. But that was only round 1 of 3 for the year of 2009.

2. Amanda
This is round two and was an act of desperation. Not only did she not fit my physical standards, but she didn't fit my intellectual standards either. But in a haste, I asked her out and she began sleeping over every night. And it didn't take long for me to realize that she was not for me, but too be fairly honest, I'd never broken up with anyone before so I did not know what to do. So I let it drag on for a month (we dated for roughly a month and a half).
She was supposed to go to my cousin Ryan's wedding with me in the beginning of September, but I couldn't let it drag that far, I didn't want her there, she wasn't for me at all. So I did a really dick thing and broke up with her via text. It's not that she didn't try or she didn't the best she could, but it would have never been good enough for me.

one more to go and I think the most crucial on the year.

3. Jackie
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. I had always thought she was cute. So one day, I added her on facebook. She had a boyfriend, but whatever. I started commenting on her shit and eventually facebook iming. Which eventually turned into texting. Which eventually turned into me coaxing her into going to the movies with me.
She was smart and cute and read books and listened to good music and could have a conversation with me and on top of it all, she was shorter than me! What else could I want?
We hung out and we went places and we just drove and she went to Wisconsin and she said she was going to break up with her boyfriend and she said she wanted me and she missed me and she said a lot. and I fell for her.
When we held hands, I felt like I didn't have heart in my body because it had floated so high in the sky. We kissed and it was at an awkward time but it was great. And that's where things got complicated.
The boyfriend didn't take the break up the way she had thought and he actually made an effort to change and I became neurotic and crazy and pushed her away and slowly she didn't want to be with me. She didn't want to see me. and more recently not talk to me.

and there it was, I sabotaged what was going to be great. and this is where love leaves me now. It started out as a 14 year old punk with no experience and it has brought me to a 22 year old punk with too much time to think and not enough time to not think.
And while I've been content with life recently, I'm not going to say that I don't want to be in love again. I mean by 3 best friends are all in relationships(two with each other!) and I'm the odd man out. But I think I've give up searching because what's the point? If something falls into my lap, then great, but I'm not going to worry myself to the point of driving myself crazy anymore.
And this is where the whole fate thing comes into play. I truly believe that there is one person out there for me. It's not Emily or Kate or Danielle or Cait or Cait or Ilyssa or Courtney or Amanda or Jackie(if it was anyone of them, would things have gone the way the did, but who knows?). Maybe it's someone I've never met or someone I don't realize. But, my time will come and why can't I enjoy life in the mean time?
What's the point of being sad all the time?
none.
Things can get me down, but I refuse to stay there, I always get back on my feet.

I know this blog has focused mostly on the trials and tribulations of my love life and I'm sure it usually will, but that's who I am. I'm a romantic. and It's a curse I'm learning to accept, as fucking stupid as that sounds. So I really don't where to go from here, so I guess I'll just see what the future brings.

whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere

some things and some other things

2010-02-05T00:35:00.002-05:00

so scott and i started a "band". beer friends. it's fun.
besides that i met someone...well not really met, but rather reintroduced. so we'll were things go...

either way my good mood isn't going anywhere and your petty, childish bullshit is not going to bring me down. so act like a kid and i'll be fine either way....or rather, i guess act your age, right?

aside from that.

2010-01-30T10:19:00.002-05:00

although 2010 started off on a weird note, it has taken a great turn and really been great to me so far.
February is going to be great:
2/12-LBI to watch scott play another noise set. partyyyyy
2/19-AC for NFG. and spending the weekend at brad's!
2/27- BOSTON!!!!! for CIS release. i can't wait. i've never been to boston ever.

i also can't wait for this summer. toronto and savannah!

literature.

2010-01-30T00:16:00.004-05:00

JD Salinger is dead. not that anyone really knows who he is anyway. but whatever. i was sad when i read about. i've been reading bukowski poetry more lately. it's a little rough at times, but the man is a genius, so yeah.

take for instance:

Bluebird

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

update

2010-01-25T21:30:00.001-05:00

hate females.

beard long.

nose pierced.

friends awesome.

pa this weekend.

lbi 12/12.

ac/stockton weekend 12/19.

end transmission...

SHINFO

2010-01-19T10:45:00.001-05:00

i just realized that i haven't actually seen my dog eat in front of me in like a year, and as i'm sitting here typing this she's chompin' away.

yes!

2010-01-18T14:08:00.000-05:00

now a member of the edison legends!

2010-01-17T17:15:00.001-05:00

I don’t believe in anything worth fighting for, worth dying for.
I don’t believe the clouds are hiding much more than a reason to downpour.
So what would you do if you were me?
Give up, forget, and go back to sleep.

And I believe that heaven is like her ocean eyes, deeper than mountains climb.
And I believe that hell is like watching her smile knowing she'll never be mine.
So what would you do if you were me?
Just hide your heart and go back to sleep.
So go back to sleep.

sweet

2010-01-16T12:39:00.002-05:00

uh.

So several things I've want to post here but haven't had the time:

I've been pretty okay recently. I've been hanging out with scott a lot recently which is awesome. I've also come to the realization that I need to be single. Or not have an extreme emotional attachment to any female. I'm trying dating, I have one Sunday. I don't think I will like this girl/have a good time. blind date-ish. oh well. I got a ticket for having an expired insurance card, $180.00. thanks bridgewater. I'm liking work a lot again. I'm feeling a lot less down. This past month has brought me closer to my friends and i'm really happy for that. I have to go court on tuesday to testify against the guy i got into the accident with. should be interesting. going to philly on the 29th for the wonder years release show, stoked for that. possibly going up to boston in may for Skate Fest 2010. stoked at the possibility. my beard is getting long and i like that. there are a lot of good things. and i refuse to dwell on the bad.

i'm in a good mood. and i have been for days. i just wish people in new jersey would drive better.

ALSO

i'm caught up on my rent. YES!

2010-01-10T08:56:00.001-05:00

why would i say such horrible things and lose the best thing that's happened to me in the past year?

because i have no off switch. and i over-thought until i said the stupidest.

2010-01-05T10:05:00.002-05:00

you know what?

fuck it. i've been down for long enough. i have enough to be happy about and i better start knowing that. i have 3 of the best friends i have ever had. i mean who thought two years ago i'd ever be friends with someone who i thought i hated, but whatever. i'm so sick of being sad and i can't be forever.

seriously, as much as i want to be in love, i need to be happy first and i'm going to do that. fuck, i'm not sad anymore. and i'm not going to be.

whatever. i'm in a good mood, and i hope this lasts.

2010-01-05T05:50:00.005-05:00

i wonder what waking up happy feels like. everyday has started out bad. i keep trying to see the positive in all of this but i keep only focusing on the negative and i just want to go back to dec 22-28. because i couldn't have been happier then. but now i just feel like shit. every morning and every night and every time i'm near a phone or a computer. or every time a commercial for paranormal activity comes on or every time i think, i think about her. and the worst part is, i can't not talk to her because that would only be worse. either way i'm fucked and this is a circle of revolving shit feeling because she was just so perfect for me. this sucks. a lot. i really thought for a minute that this was a sure thing and i was about to be the happiest i'd been in over a year, but why would it go my way? why would anything good happen to me? who really gives a shit anyway because every female i have ever let in my life has taken and used every kind thing i've done and i can't hate any of them because i am a pussy with no self conviction. what a great way to start a day.

do what you want to do.

2010-01-04T18:43:00.003-05:00

i'm not sure what to write here. the simple fact is that i am crazy about her no matter what. no matter who is around me, she is always on my mind. and i'm trying to accept this for what it is, but it is hard, and i made a mistake yesterday because i am a weak piece of shit and i don't want to do that again. no matter how much she tells me that she doesn't care or that i can do whatever with whoever whenever, i still know that i am an asshole.

i know you're reading this, you're not just a she. you're the she. and i guess i'm finding it difficult to think of you any other way.

2010-01-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

i feel like i made a terrible decision. i know i don't like her.

but i still like jh. and i feel like i cheated. and i know i didn't. but i feel like i did

it feels like i've done nothing today

2010-01-03T15:59:00.002-05:00

so the fact of the matter is, no matter how you slice it, this is going to suck for me.

i find a girl who i have so much in common with and is giving me the light of day and it all goes sour.

i want to suck it up, but as i sit here typing this, i know that it's going to be hard.

but i'm so sick of looking pathetic, so whatever. i know we're perfect for each other and we'll see what the future holds. but for now. it's going to take some time.

plus.

nevermind.

it's going to be rough

gorilla bros ftw

2010-01-02T17:24:00.001-05:00

i think it would be better if we were both wearing gorilla biscuits shirts.

i'm not sad anymore

2010-01-02T09:20:00.001-05:00

and i've been telling myself that non-stop

so i'll be okay

no thank you

2010-01-01T09:33:00.003-05:00

He awoke to the stuanch, bitter air and he said to himself, "why should i ever wake up?" you can't hear your own thoughts in this city anymore and he knew it.

And I've shorted myself again, but I am no king and this is to be expected.

His first last words were something along the lines of, "if you're happy..." or "I would do anything for you" and that was his greatest downfall.

I can't breathe most days around mid-day or midnight. it's comes on randomly and with full aggression. I would work on this if I knew how but I just accept I can not change the inevitable and move on.

So he meandered through his daily routine, rarely, if ever, deviating from any motion besides the pre-thought out ones he was used to. Today is no different, he's always asked himself how he isn't dead yet.

I don't keep much to myself, in fact, I don't keep much of myself. I'm spread fairly, and unnervingly, thin. I'm worried that I'll let you down or you down or you down.

He doesn't do much besides beat himself up. Solitude isn't working for him, but nor is being social and outgoing. and if you think there is a happy medium between those lines, you're sadly mistaken my friend. He is a sick man, closet sick and destroyed from the failure of this america that has used up and sold his goodwill and best intentions for profit in a ponzi scheme where the profiteer is what could only be described as a devil in a suit and tie, or rather a devil with a pretty face.

And on days when I am this man, it is almost, no it is very, unbearable. I can hardly move. I only function on frail promises made a million years ago by someone who loved me until I hurt them and then they joined the party on the way out of my town. Someone who gave up on me when they realized that I can never be someone, anyone, worth two shits. but I am full of wisdom on these days because I can give this piece of advice. never be like me. never ever. don't even give it a thought. don't even look in my direction if you think that will greater your chances of just not wanting to be like me. in fact, don't even care about me, because you will only be let down. you will only be fucked over and you feel more hate than you've ever felt, and I am the cause, the catalyst and I will never change. only change my mask.

at the end of a shitty year

2009-12-31T14:04:00.002-05:00

the only things i can take out of this second consecutive shitty year is that i'm extremely thankful for having my parents and my friends and my dogs. i'm just always on my way to becoming okay and i've hit a million bumps in the road but i'm still at it. i'll get there and when i do, i won't ever care again.

i'm just working at something that's giving me an amazing hard time.

2009-12-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

the long trail home

2009-12-29T11:46:00.003-05:00

so originally i was going to post on how i was going to this famed vermont trail, and i guess in a sense i am still touching on that subject. I just wish it was happening now, that it was july now. that i could escape to somewhere where there isn't a cell phone, or a facebook, or a girl that drives me crazy, sometimes good, sometimes bad. i just want to be hiking somewhere, lost in the woods of vermont, eating berries and not having to deal with the bullshit of everyday life.

i'm really not sad anymore. i'm not. i'm so sick and tired of this death trap of a state. no matter where i go i can't escape all the past bullshit that i've got. i'm not sad, just agitated. just annoyed with humans as a whole. just sick of people who just don't care. it makes me realize that having 2 good friends and only caring about myself and them is all i really need. brad and i don't have to talk about the bullshit in my life. we just joke about stupid shit and are rarely serious about anything and i always feel better about life whenever i hang out with him. and erin is so level-headed and evens me out. and i could talk to her about anything and she'll always have insight, even if i don't listen to her advice. i really see that it's not worth it to embrace everyone, because most people will just take advantage of your kindness and use you and then just throw you away.

it would be easy to just not care and exclude people. and i really want to be that misanthropic person, but once i let someone in, once i put myself out there, it's not that easy not to care. i've never thought of myself as a caring person and i can be quite selfish at times, but i've always found it hard to hurt people and not feel bad. which sucks, i hate it. because i have the capacity to hurt someone and not give it an afterthought when i do it, but when it sinks in what i've done, i never let it go and a piece of me stays in the fuck-up forever. and i've had so many fuck-ups, that there's not much of me left. i've hurt a million people. my parents, my ex, my friends, my brother, my sister, various other family members. i just want to go back in time and get good grades and not disappoint everyone and not fuck up my own life and thereby not fuck up anyone's life who cares about me.

I want to go back to being a kid and not having a worry in the world. but even then i would have to go back to be like 4.

"cause i'm stuck here wide awake
in the wake of bad news
we know now what's at stake
and i'm scared too.
and you know i can't take naps cause
they end in panic attacks,
i can't play video games,
i always end up depressed.
i can't be left alone now
for even a second
i'm a burden
but at least i know it."

2009-12-25T09:07:00.001-05:00

it took almost thirteen months, for me to be where I feel fine
I'm not as sad as I let myself believe sometimes

The Long Trail

2009-12-23T19:50:00.000-05:00

more info to come on this. be prepared

The Appalachian Trail

2009-12-20T13:01:00.002-05:00

So, I'm snowed in today, so i have nothing better to do than google random shit. I randomly came across info on The Appalachian Trail. I figure, at some point, I would love to hike the whole thing and camp along the way. It runs from Maine to Georgia. The route is as follows on the map, so yeah. I don't know, it seems like something to do, something awesome. I know this is really random, but i feel like i'm doing absolutely nothing with my life and this would be something, something big. who knows if i'll ever do it for real, but i'm just saying, i would love to try it.

2009-12-19T07:36:00.002-05:00

today,
I watched tv for 13 hours
stood in the cold until i couldn't feel my fingers
sat under my desk and refused to come out.
I don't want to deal with anyone, or anything really.

I am hesitant to check the mail because
it involves opening the front door.
I'm getting anxiety even thinking about it.
I don't want to be asleep, but
I most certainly do not want to be awake.

My phone rang,
it ended up shattered.
Please do not call me. I don't need to hear your voice.
My room is cold and I'm fucking freezing.
My greatest fear is that one day,
I'll come to the realization
that I just don't care at all.
Or rather, you actually care,
and this could be exactly what we both need.

I'm stuck. What can I say, or do?

oh man

2009-12-17T18:11:00.001-05:00

i feel like the wonder years are the soundtrack to my life sometimes...

"My friends all say he’s just the broke-dick version of me.
They’re just trying to help me get some sleep.
I know he’s what you need."

and so it continues..

2009-12-16T18:49:00.002-05:00

can i please be happy for once. this would do it.

to elaborate:
It's not like I need her to make me happy, but i just need something good to happen to me for once. And this really could turn the tides for me. She is exactly everything i look for in a female, without a doubt and i feel like this would put my mood back on track. maybe i'm being selfish, probably not.

tonight.

2009-12-15T00:28:00.003-05:00

i'm going to sound really sappy and corny. i already know this, so before you criticize, just know that i do know.

but we cuddled for the first time tonight and i didn't realize how perfect she would fit in my arms. i don't think anyone has fit that perfectly, ever. i just wish i could make her mine. such a dilemma. so many things. =/

2009-12-13T10:09:00.002-05:00

"don't text me until i text you later" -_-

2009-12-12T02:08:00.001-05:00

don't know why i get this sappy. but she is amazing.

complacency

2009-12-11T10:34:00.002-05:00

this is from a personal expierience i guess. although it really is true.

When you date someone for so long that you become far too comfortable with them, you get complacent and accepting of things that used to bother you. But when you start to let bigger things slide and you begin to accept a horrible attitude and verbal abuse and you don't leave the person giving the abuse, there's something wrong.

I did it. I mean, of course I still loved the person, but i didn't like her anymore, i didn't like the attitude she was growing into and the tendencies she had, but i stayed with her because i was comfortable and being single is a lot of work.

Comfort is a dangerous thing. It really is, because it let's you take so much that wouldn't get if you kept everything awkward. if someone you didn't know calls you a name or does something you don't like to you, you'll say something to them and make sure it's resolved, but if it's someone you know it's a different story. You push it aside saying, "oh that's how they are, their just jealous or worried or whatever." it's ridiculous. especially when there's someone out there who just wouldn't do those things.

obviously i am speaking from personal experience at the current time. I've learned so much from my past relationship and what to do and how not to be stupid. This girl is the first girl i met that i wanted to tell her nothing but the truth and it's weird. It's weird because i've started every relationship off with some kind of lie, Maybe i've learned my lesson, idk.

either way, i watch the things he says to her and how blatently disregards her wishes and i am in awe. i don't know, but even at my worst in a relationship, i'm still whipped and i've always been okay with that because it's who i am. but i'm watching this and it seems so one-sided. it makes me sick. i just wish she would realize....

my 2009 top 50 artists according to last fm

2009-12-09T20:36:00.005-05:00

1. Therefore I Am
2. Broadway Calls
3. Less Than Jake
4. We Are The Union
5. Against Me!
6. Shook Ones
7. Set Your Goals
8. Ghost Kid
9. Evergreen Terrace
10. Blank Tape
11. Four Year Strong
12. Sugar Ray
13. Dan Mangan
14. Owen
15. Paul Baribeau
16. The Weakerthans
17. This Time Next Year
18. Maylene And The Sons Of Disaster
19. Hit The Lights
20. Modest Mouse
21. A Wilhelm Scream
22. Punchline
23. Polar Bear Club
24. The Riot Before
25. Saves The Day
26. Kid Dynamite
27. Manchester Orchestra
28. Maker
29. Title Fight
30. The Wonder Years
31. Fireworks
32. Transit
33. The Gaslight Anthem
34. The Get Up Kids
35. Say Anything
36. 3OH3(really?!?!?!)
37. Alexisonfire
38. John K. Samson
39. Frank Turner
40. The Swellers
41. Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
42. Man Overboard
43. Circa Survive
44. Mariachi El Bronx
45. Glassjaw
46. Joshua Radin
47. The Lonely Island
48. Crime In Stereo
49. The Ergs!
50. La Dispute

2009-12-09T00:17:00.001-05:00

hate going to sleep knowing i'm probably not going to hang out with her again.
hate this dirty bed.
hate that i have to go to work tomorrow.
hate feeling this nervous and anxious and knowing i'm not going to calm down.

so much for everyone- dan mangan

2009-12-08T18:38:00.001-05:00

as much as i'd like to go
to places i've never known,
scared shitless to leave home,
and i don't want to go alone.
i miss the rewarding gaze
of a friend from my younger days,
didn't mind ‘bout my selfish ways,
as he died i was miles away.
i hope he remembers how,
as i do when i look back now,
though he'd bark at the slightest sound,
would not bite for he knew not how.

and sometimes it's more than clear,
when morning comes early here,
and i know that the day is near,
wasted days make for wasted years.
now i'm vicious with appetite,
sobering half a mind,
dripping with stolen wine,
awoken by something i dreamt.

harboured by everything i have been witnessing.
postcards and daydreaming
get less embarrassing.
after the day is done,
i will be on the run -
so much for everyone, so much for everyone.
the showdown is endless here,
under the burning sun.
as eyes roll toward me now,
i will drop my gun.

in addition

2009-12-08T18:09:00.002-05:00

i really don't know. i just feel like, unless my hands are busy typing, i'll punch something, again sounding juvenile, yes, but true. blahblahblahblah. who gives a shit? blahblahblahblah. i most certainly do not give a shit about people anymore. seriously. i don't. no shit caring or caring about shit and shitty shit because i saw where that got me. i feel like caring just put me in a bad spot. or worrying about other people. like, if you tell me that you had a abortion, what do you want me to say to you? i'm honest, i say, "sometimes, you try so hard to act older than you actually are and you get yourself in such deep shit." so you get mad at me? obviously. so i try to show someone that i truly care about them and i'd think we'd be perfect together and i get led on to this point. to where i am ranting and making no sense and probably making a massive amount of grammatical and spelling mistakes. fuckufkcfuckeufkcufkcufckfucky

in listening to dan mangan

2009-12-08T17:28:00.002-05:00

positivity
something I've always been a huge advocate for. i would always preach a positive lifestyle and found much in phrases like, "head above water." But i realized something huge today, or yesterday maybe. every time i decided I'm not going to care, I'm going to let go and be positive, everything goes wrong. that's what happened here. i was on the "I'm not sad anymore" kick. and it was working. i was finally feeling like i cleared a huge hurdle in my life and i was getting, although a bit wobbly, back on my feet. I woke up everyday in such a good mood. such a good mood. nothing could get to me, nothing.
In this positivity kick, something amazing happened. A girl i liked began talking to me, as juvenile as that soundsm and things weren't great but they were certainly good. i had money saved up and girl to take out and i woke up everyday with a smile on my face.
At first this girl was just a friend and that's what i saw her as. but as erin had warned me, it became more and everytime she would send me a text, i would get really excited. I took this girl out for the first time the night before thanksgiving to the movies and it ended up being a disaster. a good one. and it progressed from there. but this is where my luck would turn, because as fate would have it, i'm not allowed to stay happy for any decent amount of time. Thursday, thanksgiving, on my way to my mom's for thanksgiving i got into an accident, a semi-bad one, but my car was still driveable (with duct tape to hold the airbags in). This was the beginning.
The girl and i texted each other a lot that weekend and i even got to hang out with her on monday and tuesday and weds and friday and saturday and sunday and monday again. but in this time, she broke up with her boyfriend (oh yes, this one had a boyfriend too) got back with him was on the fence and i was in the middle. but i stuck with it, because she was amazing, and worth this craziness.
then this morning happened.
today i woke up in a terrible mood. and i said to myself, "today is going to be a terrible day." but i hoped for a win, something to boost me up. that boost didn't come, but rather a text from her boyfriend. and thus i am here. once again where i was in the past year many a times before. fucking depressed and annoyed and i just want to be with my friends until i die. i don't want to be alone in my room where all i fucking do is think and write and write and think and not make sense and talk in circles. and I FUCKING HATE BEING THIS PATHETIC. i hate how this stupid, petty, childish bullshit eats me up every FUCKING time it happens. and it always happens.

so fuck it, i really don't give a shit anymore. i'm getting out of shit jersey if it's the last thing i do. destination anywhere, anywhere at all. you all don't owe me anything and i own you nothing. it's like everything i touch now-a-days falls to fucking pieces, so i honestly don't care anymore.

i'm sure i'll think of something else once i am past this post and i'll come back and add it on. not that anyone really gives a shit anyway.

my favorite releases of 2009 by month. the unabridged version.

2009-12-07T18:45:00.002-05:00

JAN:
Bruce Springsteen – Working On A Dream

FEB:
A Day To Remember - Homesick
The Loved Ones - Distractions
Two Tongues - Two Tongues
Lonely Island, The - Incredibad
Appleseed Cast, The - Sagarmatha
Minus the Bear - Acoustics
Thursday - Common Existence

MAR:
Cursive - Mama, I'm Swollen
New Found Glory - Not Without a Fight
Propagandhi - Supporting Caste
The Wonder Years / All or Nothing - Distances
Ace Enders - When I Hit the Ground
Fireworks - All I Have to Offer is My Own Confusion
Fucked Up - Year Of The Rat

APR:
Living With Lions - Dude Manor EP
Apathy Eulogy, The - Resolved to Reason
Transit - Stay Home
Poison the Well - I/III / II/III / III/III
Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything To Nothing
Meg And Dia - Here, Here, and Here
NOFX - Coaster

MAY:
Apathy Eulogy, The - Resolved To Dream
mewithoutYou - It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright
Tumbledown - Tumbledown
Iron and Wine - Around the Well

JUNE:
Anti-Flag - The People or the Gun
Poison the Well - The Tropic Rot
Alexisonfire - Old Crows/Young Cardinals
Hit the Lights - Coast to Coast
Maylene and the Sons of Disaster - III
Therefore I Am - The Sound of Human Lives

JULY:
Against Me! - The Original Cowboy
Owen - The Seaside EP
Portugal. The Man - The Majestic Majesty
Portugal. The Man - The Satanic Satanist
Set Your Goals - This Will Be the Death of Us
Sugar Ray - Music for Cougars
Rx Bandits - Mandala

AUG:
Modest Mouse - No One's First and You're Next
As Tall as Lions - You Can't Take it With You
Broadway Calls - Good Views, Bad News
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
fun. - Aim and Ignite
Mariachi El Bronx - Mariachi El Bronx

SEPT:
Chuck Ragan - Gold Country
Owl City - Ocean Eyes
Polar Bear Club - Chasing Hamburg
Every Time I Die- New Junk Aesthetic
Thrice - Beggars
Brand New - Daisy
Owen - New Leaves
Ruiner - Hell Is Empty
Evergreen Terrace - Almost Home
Langhorne Slim - Be Set Free
The Swellers - Ups and Downsizing

OCT:
Built to Spill - There Is No Enemy
Lucero - 1372 Overton Park
Strike Anywhere - Iron Front
The Mountain Goats - The Life of the World to Come
Cartel - Cycles
Russian Circles - Geneva
This Time Next Year - Road Maps and Heart Attacks
Between The Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect
John Nolan - Heights

NOV:
Say Anything - Self-Titled
The Almost - Monster Monster
Weezer - Raditude
Defeater - Lost Ground
John Mayer - Battle Studies
A Wilhelm Scream - A Wilhelm Scream EP

DEC:
Transit/Man Overboard Split 7"
We the Kings - Smile, Kid

this situation

2009-12-06T11:45:00.000-05:00

with an amazing girl

well i tell the story of my life...

2009-12-05T18:04:00.001-05:00

sometime when i'm an old man, it's going to include a lot of girls with boyfriends.

2009-12-05T11:19:00.000-05:00

found the upsides

an ode to the fairly indifferent or greatly ungreatful

2009-12-04T22:05:00.003-05:00

you keep everything close to your heart,
as i did once.
though, i have managed to keep all things far from my heart of late
thus i have become to appear a bit heartless. not dead, just cold.
but I'm no more a heartless prick than i am a product of a cold world.

you take a look around, not much has changed.
there are still kings and queens.
royalty and peasants.
masters and slaves.

this hope and change that you want so bad is never really coming.
because whenever you get ahead, people want a piece of your pie.
this is why i keep to myself.
thus i have become to appear a bit cold. not dead, just heartless.

i am great. i am amazing.
and if i keep this mindset, nothing can make me not alive.

you were a great thought. you were eyes set ablaze.
you were the greatest beacon of hope, of change.
the operative word being were.

and now as i watch, seemingly from outside my body, there is not much i can do.
all i do is keep you close to my heart. where you belong.
because I'm not going anywhere. at least not anytime soon.
and you'll realize that there's no one else. and I'll realize that this world isn't so cold.
and positivity comes back every time i see your face or hear your voice or see your smile.

so until this all comes to an end, I'll wait in limbo.
holding my drink, and waiting for my chance to sweep you off of your feet.

2009-12-03T12:06:00.002-05:00

a man less amused
not really alive or dead
if you watch him close, faltering
you won't see anything new
you won't see anything interesting

and such is this deformity
to consume this unfortunate man.
it is not new, nor interesting.
but consuming none the less.

so he sleepwalks through the motions
every bit of this, reminiscent.
every action like a mirror.

so close to happiness
that never comes

this situation.

2009-12-02T11:58:00.000-05:00

just with a smarter girl.

2009-11-30T16:57:00.000-05:00

what a happy thanksgiving...

also

2009-11-25T10:31:00.003-05:00

my dudes in LA DISPUTE got their trailer stolen in MI last week. so if you can do anything to help them out,www.myspace.com/ladispute

so disappointed in humanity

2009-11-25T09:54:00.003-05:00

This is not new jersey. But it's certainly what people think of it. i go to Kentucky and they say, "ayyyyyy you know tony soprano?" or "yo, where's your spikey hair and ed hardy shit?"

MTV's the jersey shore premiere 12/3/2009 and will further the stereotype that new jerseyans are stupid fucking guidos who get drunk and party all the time and spray tans. i hate these fucks, they ruin everyone from new jersey's reputation.

Now an italian-american group is petitioning MTV to not air the show saying its offensive to italians. i'm not as pissed being an italian, but i'm more pissed about how bad it makes new jersey look. if i was governor or any other high government official, i would say something. we're already the laughing stock of the US, why continue the joke.

fuck you motherfucking guidos

itch

2009-11-22T18:30:00.002-05:00

so, i've got the itch again to get more ink. i think i'm gonna go into brad's and tell jim i have an hour's worth of cash and see what i can get. i mean i have 2 options, either get something completely new or continue work on my sleeve. i want to continue work on my sleeve.

2009-11-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

This is only a chapter
This is merely a moment in our lives where we don't know who we are

epiphany

2009-11-19T18:53:00.002-05:00

i finally realized that i'm going to have to move on a few weeks ago. i just now wish that things had ended amicably. i wish we could have been just friends. i miss that aspect of it all. being able to bitch about shit with you. but i messed things up pretty badly and i don't blame you for ending it the way you did.

"I know it's the height of hypocrisy, and I know-- I know doin' this isn't gonna change anything... or--or make anything better, but, um... I'd just-- I'd settle for your respect. You know, I'd settle for you smiling... when you thought about the time that we had together... and not think it was a waste of time."

that being said, this is the very last post ever that has to do with you. i promise. from now on only good news.

weird

2009-11-13T18:58:00.004-05:00

i haven't been the happy in awhile and it's not even because of a girl.

is that even possible?

2010 Tampa Bay Rays

2009-11-08T09:46:00.002-05:00

So as the lone Tampa Bay Rays fan in NJ, a lot of people are asking me what they're gonna do in the offseason. And being the awesome Rays expert I am, here are my predictions by position:

Catcher:
This is a hard one. In 2008 Dioner Navarro was a key player for their world series berth, but 2009 Navarro struggled at the plate. I think it was a slump he'll break out of with some practice in 2010, and he's still on the young side. Zaun was a great late addition in 09 but he is 37 and being an everyday player could be out of the question. So here is my prediction. We decline Zaun's option and send him to free agency, keep navarro and have michel hernandez, a great defensive player and not a bad offensive player, as the back up catcher.

First Base:
Carlos Pena...obviously. Chris Richard will never be in the majors again. Willy Aybar to back up.

Second Base:
Call me ballsy, but my prediction for this is that Sean Rodriguez is going to be the opening day second baseman. Back up will be Reid Brignac, don't worry, we'll get to Ben Zobrist.

Short Stop:
Jason Barlett will be the everyday short stop. backed up by Reid Brignac or Will Aybar.

Third Base:
Evan Longoria...who else?! Backed up by Willy Aybar

Left Field:
CARL CRAWFORD! No the rays are not going to get rid of him. He is tooooooo goooooodd and beneficial to the team's winning to let him go. Sure he has a 10 million dollar option, but in the 10 years he played for the rays hes only made 13.1 million when he was valued at making that much a year. "But what big salary are they going to cut?" you ask!

Center Field:
goodbye BJ Upton. I see him being traded (but not to an AL East team, dare I say a NL team?). With Desmond Jennings, another speedster, sitting in the minors, I don't see a reason to keep BJ Upton, with him smugness and his lack of hustle at times. Desmond Jennings is the opening day center fielder.

Right Field:
BZ making it look EZ. Of the 7 positions Ben Zobrist played in 2009, I think right field would be a good fit. Put him in right field for Right Handed Pitching and Put Gabe Kapler in right field for Lefties.

DH:
We're obviously keeping Pat Burrell for the final year of his contract, so hopefully he could show up this season. Ben Zobrist could also make a good DH.

Starting Rotation:
1. Matt Garza
2. James Shields
3. Jeff Niemann
4. Wade Davis
5. David Price

David Price didn't really prove himself in his first full season, but Wade Davis did prove himself in his first start. thats why he gets the four spot and Price gets 5. And I believe that Andy Sonnanstine will be in the bullpen.

your opinions?

OMGOMGOMG

2009-11-06T00:14:00.002-05:00

a wilhelm scream killed it. and their lead singer is like my height and pissed off. it was like looking a mirror of awesome. so siqqq

i'm totally not sad anymore

humpdaythoughts

2009-11-04T18:22:00.002-05:00

so, i'm not shaving at all, not even neck beard, for the entirety of novembeard. pixxx to follow.

stoked to have finally dealt with wachovia. kinda.

maybe i should get a second job.

also, i'm not sad anymore

ears clogged.

2009-11-03T12:54:00.003-05:00

so after a week of being sick, i think i'm actually gonna go to the doctors. lets see what they say.

finally seeing one of my favorite bands ever on thursday. A Wilhelm Scream. intelligent music is so hard to find, and they're smart as hell. i really can not wait.

I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE

even with today's happenings

2009-11-02T21:59:00.003-05:00

i'm still not sad anymore

it's almost christmas at 22.
i'm back on my feet friends...

Let's turn on the TV and wait for Christmas specials.
We'll make some frozen pizza and watch your stolen cable.
We'll thank whoever's in charge here that this year
didn't treat me so bad.

The upsides

2009-11-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

I'm not sad anymore

2009-10-31T16:51:00.002-04:00

C'mon stop misinterpreting my posts.
i hope i never get "dystonia", i hate runnin

Egyptian eyessss=]

2009-10-30T21:14:00.002-04:00

time out
who is really gaining groud here
you ask
who is really getting good here
you inquire
but i've yet to find a market
an outlet for this feeling
and i don't know
i don't know who is on the upside here
so i tell you
i can't answer
marking
the first day of my second life.

you can't say that this isn't awesome...

2009-10-28T10:59:00.002-04:00

i mean, really, can you?

take my name off the lease

2009-10-27T03:15:00.002-04:00

i find it relevant to relay this message from Kris Roe of the ataris when i asked him if he was still having fun a couple years ago.:

Our new record will be out in late February. It is the most honest piece of art I have included my heart and soul in period. This band turned into something different than I wanted for a small time. That is no longer the case. It happens. I found out alot of things in this past couple years. Too many for one email. Although one thing always remains true is that you must always remain true to your heart no matter how people may tear you apart. We all change and evolve in different ways. For a short while I felt like this band no longer who I was as a person so I did something about that. Now it does again. It now represents seven people that enjoy what they are doing, not four people all doing for themselves. it represents friendship and musicians creating music they all would listen to. that they enjoy. I cannot wait til next year. To quote Jets to Brazil... "It's the first day of my second life." Take care. your friend. Kris

it's the first day of my second life.
that day was last september for me. and while i dwell sometimes and i go through withdrawl it seems at least once a month, i don't want anyone to think that i'm not trying to move on because i am. i'm doing this on my own. For awhile, i became something that i didn't want to be. i abandoned friends and i bent over backwards. I may have slipped up a couple times, but i loved her to the best of my ability and i walked away from this ordeal knowing this. i know this is the same old story you've been hearing for a year, but how this is different is that i'm not going to lie to you and say that i'm completely over her. I didn't have the closure i wish there could have been and i think thats all i could ask for now. i've met a really cool girl who just isn't getting the fair chance she should because i constantly think back to years past. its not fair.

i enjoy my life, please don't get me wrong. everything is a lesson learned and i've learned a lot, but i still have a lot to work on.
but, to quote set your goals, "my life, a constant work in progress, and i wouldn't have it any other way"

haha

2009-10-26T05:44:00.003-04:00

also,
waking up to Z100's phone tap about a girl pranking her mom that shes sleeping with her female professor after breaking up with her male boyfriend is hopefully a start to a good day.
And I got a new hat. Will post pictures later.

wonder years tonight

please let me clarify

2009-10-26T05:39:00.004-04:00

i in no way want to or am going to try to talk to you. as much as i miss you, i'd rather be getting over you than dwelling on you. i'm working on it.

I feel like I need a god damned disclaimer with everyone of my god damned posts. go back to the post where I ask you to not take me too seriously please, and then get the stick out of your ass.

on a lighter note,
most certainly not going to watch the world's stupidest world series this year.
who care about the yankees and the phillies. I hate both teams with a burning passion.
let's go...Edison Thunder!

moving

2009-10-25T15:27:00.002-04:00

so today,
my mom sends me a text saying she saw 1 bedroom apts for SALE for 50k. It would equal out to a monthly payment thats less than my new brunswick resident. and it would include everything(cable, electric, water, gas). As much as I love new brunswick, it might be a good move for me to leave the brunswicks for awhile. Get my head away from here. I mean it isn't far, its in Edison, but it would clear my head a lot. i mean, i've seen more hard times here than i ever thought i would. I lost the love of my life here. this place has so many bad memories that sometimes it feels like a prison. maybe its time to move on.

2009-10-24T13:53:00.003-04:00

i want to go back 4 years and start all over with my life past high school. i would not be where i was now, yes, but i feel like things would have been a lot easier in my life.
-i would have never gone to devry.
-i would have never met her. i would have never screwed up. i would never have spent the last year and a half being consistently sad and finding it near impossible to move on.
-i wouldn't be this much in debt.

these are the thoughts that are on my my mind.

okay

2009-10-19T19:57:00.001-04:00

today was a good day.

=D!

don't call me mikey

2009-10-15T20:58:00.002-04:00

So this week has been hectic, no sleep, mad work, stupid roommates getting me tickets. but tomorrow is friday and i'm hanging out with will and going to see where the wild things are, which i've been stoked about since seeing the preview in the beginning of the summer.

I know this topic is old but I do miss the feeling of having a real girlfriend, not a fling. not courtney, not amanda, not any shit like that. I've been talking to someone and sometimes it looks promising and other times it does not.

But i've realized that after dating an irish girl for 2 and a half years, i like the chase. i don't like it easy. i had a girl who basically wanted to be my girlfriend twice this summer to fall, who would do anything, and i passed that up to see where this "thing" or whatever it is would go. I mean, shes cute and she my type, but i don't like the easy route. we'll see what happens with this. who knows.

the title of this blog, by the way, comes from a funny anicdote. By now, you probably know who "mikey" is. A douche who wears guy-liner and played in a cookie-cutter hawthorne heights replica emo band, who also loves himself A LOT who stole my ex from me. but anyway, everyday at work a kid calls me mikey. now you're like, why does this annoy you? My best explaination would be I never want any comparison to someone of his nature. I'm not fake nice to get people to like me, that has never been my deal. I'm a fairly real person. So I tell the kid everyday, "Daniel, don't call me mikey, thats not my name, i'm not a tool." Yesterday, he asked me what a tool was, so i told him that a tool was someone who pretends to be someone they're not to gain the respect of the people they are around.

shit dude...are there any girls out there who are sane?

i know that one day it will all work out for me, as corny as that sounds. as a realist, optimism come rarely, but i'll take what i can get.

Baseball Playoffs

2009-10-07T13:00:00.002-04:00

My Predictions:
NLDS
Rockies vs. Phillies: Phillies in 4
Cardials vs. Dodgers: Dodgers in 3

ALDS
Twins vs. Yankees: Yankees in 3
Red Sox vs. Angels: Angels in 5

NLCS
Phillies vs. Dodgers: Dodgers in 5

ALCS
Yankees vs. Angels: Angels in 7

WS
Angels vs. Dodgers: Dodgers in 7

2009-10-06T22:26:00.001-04:00

freedom means nothing to me.
OH SHIT

2009-09-12T14:42:00.001-04:00

I thought I'd write, I thought I'd let you know
In the year since you've been gone I've finally let you go
And I hope you find some time to drop a note
But if you won't
Then you won't
And I will consider you gone
I know that you went straight to someone else
While I worked through all this shit here by myself
And I think that you should spend some time alone
But if you won't
Then you won't
And I will consider you gone
I wake up in the night
All alone and it's alright
The chemicals are wearing off
Since you've gone
The days go on, the lights go off and on
And nothing really matters when you're gone
If you think that you feel nothing at all
If you don't (If you don't)
Then you don't (No, you won't)
If you won't
Then you won't
And I will
Then I will
Yeah, and I will consider you gone

2009-09-03T21:31:00.000-04:00

i've got to stop looking through my myspace inbox at old messages. now i just feel like a jerk on like 10,000 fronts

2009-09-02T16:26:00.005-04:00

also, i've been restrained for a year.
never thought it would last, i mean when it happened i never thought it would stick, but thats the pits and we all have to suck it up and move on, even though its taken me forever. it wasn't meant to be and i'm okay with that now. I do miss you, because you were my best friend, but i'm okay now. I used to think i couldn't live without you and i found out that i can, and i am.
If you and i were ever to decide we could be friends again someday, great, but if not, i'll be fine, i've got my own life to worry about, and i'm pretty proud of what i am becoming, but, I can't say that i am anything but happy for you and who you're becoming, so good luck in life, i wish you all the best.

on to the next chapter in my life...

Chapter 2:
the escape from alca....new brunswick...

2009-09-02T16:24:00.001-04:00

going to school part time makes me feel like a piece of shit

2009-08-29T15:26:00.001-04:00

all i can think about is my past lately